THERE
IS
NO
WAR
The Volturi arrive. They argue about Nessie. The Cullens insist she's not a vampire, the Volturi are essentially forced to agree, but they claim to be concerned that Nessie is too much of an unknown and that she must be destroyed.
In that moment, they kill Irena. Tanya's group are shocked and angry. The Volturi guards get ready for a fight.
Here. RIGHT HERE. RIGHT FREAKING HERE! We have the spark for war. Whatever else the two sides have talked about, and believe me they TALKED A LOT, this is the spark for conflict. Here's where the bodies hit the floor.
Except they don't.
They argue EVEN MORE and then boom, Alice shows up with another half-vampire and everybody agrees that this solves EVERYTHING because this other half-vampire didn't end up causing some unexplained apocalypse. Everybody leaves.
Happy times at the Cullen house, curtain closes on Bella and Edward in their cottage with magic baby.
I hate you Stephenie Meyer.
SumUp: There just are no words.
The climax of this book, of this series, of this nightmare is a giant argument in a field in which the final decision is for everyone to go the hell home.
Why? I think it's because Meyer chickened out.
She clearly intended for there to be a battle. All the preparation. All the combat training. All the abilities honed to weapons. All the strategy. A DOZEN chapters of this and you know what? She didn't want to kill anybody because in order for this to be even slightly realistic, even slightly honest to the high-drama setup somebody was going to die. Emmett, Jasper, Alice, whoever, Meyer couldn't put her pen to paper and write "JASPER DIED" and live with the consequences. She painted herself into a corner where her artificial, two dimensional constructs would have to die on paper and she totally f&^%ng panicked. And so she did the one thing she is better at than ANY other author in the universe: she deflated the climax and wrote a gigantic let down and sold it to a million teens.
Alice gets to play Deus ex machina, Bella doesn't have to kill anyone or watch anyone die or grow as a character and everybody else gets to talk a lot and then wander off stage.
I am 100% serious. No kidding. No faking. Not making this up because I couldn't. That is, spoiler alert this book sucks, the grand finale of this "saga". An argument in a field. A debate that ends in a vote. A VOTE! The bad guys show up, decide things aren't worth bothering with and then LEAVE. I challenge you to find any other story in which a VOTE is the deciding factor. I'm not talking
Remember the horrid climax of book 1? James dies off-screen and everything we've been told is really important and dangerous really wasn't? I raged. I yelled. I threw things and swore and said things about Stephenie Meyer that probably aren't true or even biologically possible.
Remember book 2? Bella couldn't possibly save Edward because there was no time but oh, wait she did! I raged. I yelled. I demanded that the universe fix this wrong by crushing Meyer with a meteor the size of a bread truck.
Remember book 3? When Victoria was actually a threat and we watched one tenth of an actual battle and got to see people die but Bella was still just an annoying girl constantly in the way? I raged. I threw things and probably kicked furniture.
Today? Book 4? I ... didn't yell. I didn't kick anything. I am defeated. Oh, I raged a bit silently but then, I realized the horrible, horrible truth.
This book is the Mona Lisa of climactic letdowns. The Taj Mahal of deux ex machina finales. The Citizen Fu%$@g Kane of literary failures. This, this is truly ART, and I don't know how she does it. Meyer is clearly a savant at destroying the structures of literature, at building up the accepted first two acts of drama only to kick the chair out from under you. She is a sadist with a pen, wielding the need we have for a satisfying story climax as a weapon and stabbing us in the soul with it while cackling gleefully. She knows how the human spirit longs for a dramatic conclusion that brings all the conflict together at the end and allows the protagonist to achieve victory but she pulls it away from us at the last moment, leaving us only with the bitter dregs of the story, wallowing in our dashed hopes and needs. Meyer will not cater to the three act arc, no matter how much we love it. No matter how successful it's been for centuries. No matter how much it soothes us and satisfies us.
Does she do this intentionally? Does she see the sword she wields? I doubt it. It's instinctual, automatic, inherent in her subconscious. She hates her characters. She hates humanity. She hates me. And oh, how I hate her back. This book, this series, this glorious cultural milestone is an abomination, but it is so perfectly crafted an abomination that I am forced to sit back and marvel at its wonder. I salute you Ms Meyer. I hate you with a ferocity that I thought was impossible, but I cannot help but gaze in shocked awe at your monumental, perfectly formed failure.
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