T.04.P3 Prelude

Bella is fighting the Volturi in a dream. End of Prelude.

So here's the established order of events we can expect.

1. Bella becomes a vampire. Much anguish.
2. Introduction to the baby
3. Bella and Edward have a vampire honeymoon
4. Somehow the Volturi find out about vampire baby and assume it's a full vampire.
5. Big build up
6. Big battle
7. Much happily ever after

Where does Jacob fit into this? Dunno. Don't really care anymore. I guess he's just another loyal soldier in the final battle. Maybe Meyer will kill him off. Doubt it.

T.04.18 There are no words...

In Which There Really Are Words

Bella is birthin' a vampire baby and it's actually bloody. You know what, IT SHOULD BE DAMMIT. Nothing else has been.

So in the makeshift ER / Library Alice, Rosalie, Emmett, Jacob are struggling with Bella. Rosalie opens her up with a slash (woo!) and immediately goes berserko. Which makes no sense, since she's never killed a human and has been the most protective of anyone thus far. In any case, Jacob tackles her and they start to fight. FINALLY!

Oh, wait Alice breaks it up. Boo.

Jacob starts CPR. Bella's spine breaks (what?). Edward starts to bite through the casing.

AND WE HAVE A BABY! Woo, finally! It's a girl, Edward gives her to Rosalie as Bella's heart starts to fail. Edward injects his own venom (first mention of this plan) into Bella's heart. Jacob continues the CPR. Eward starts to bite Bella all over with venom, which seems like overkill given the heart-injection thing, but I'm not a vampire biologist. Jacob thinks Bella is dead (quitter!), goes downstairs to check on the baby, who I assume is soon to be named Renessmee.

Jacob rages out and decides maybe infanticide isn't out of the question. Why? I don't know. I guess killing the baby will make it all better. Regardless, he comes up behind the baby and boom

JACOB IMPRINTS ON THE BABY.
Holy F&%K didn't see that coming.

Oh and Bella isn't dead.

SumUp: WHATTHEFREAKINGHELLIHELLOKITTYMATICINABLENDER minus

Just... WTF.

Just to get this out of the way, the birth scene actually made me happy. It was gory. It was bloody. Bella got destroyed physically. Those are all logical conclusions given the universe that Meyer has constructed. I don't get the baby in a shell thing, but it's suitably weird given the situation. I don't get how vampire venom works or the whole bite & seal thing that Edward does, but again the universe of Twilight has already been established, these sort of things makes sense in that construct.

I don't understand why Jacob assumes Bella is dead, but he hasn't had to endure Carlisle's endless discussions on how people were converted. I REALLY don't understand why killing the baby becomes Plan B, it's nice that conspiracy to commit infanticide is now something I can tag onto Jacob's resume, though.

I really don't understand why Jacob & Leah or Jacob & Alice were impossible options. Why the setup? Why lead us down that path? Either would have been a solid bit of drama, especially Alice. Hell, that might have been a million times more interesting than Bella and Edward. But no.. instead we get.

THE MOST HORRIBLE THING IN LITERATURE
I guess 2 years old is just over the hill in the Meyerverse. Five minutes old, that's where the love is.
I joke, but seriously? The hell? THE HELL? Do I even need to go into how impossibly atrocious this is? How this is such an incredibly lazy way to end the love triangle? How ... gods, what is wrong with Stephenie Meyer?!?!?

I'm unable to put this into words at the moment, so I'll just shrug and shake my head. Won't you join me?

Doesn't make me feel a lot better, but it's something.

T.04.17 What do I look Like...

In Which Meyer Wastes My Time Even More Blatantly


Jacob goes for a drive, meets a pretty girl, talks cars and comes back. It doesn't mean anything, will not affect anything else in this book ever and is ultimately a pointless waste of time and ink. Thank you Stephenie Meyer.

Leah and Jacob have a moment upon his return, so maybe there's something here. Dunno.

Edward asks Jacob to use his Alpha status to update the truce and allow Edward to vampirize/save Bella. Jacob talks to Bella and given the choice of her obviously dying or being a horrible monster for all eternity with her very soul at risk of destruction, agrees.

Bella goes into labor. Sort of.

SumUp F

Why send Jacob off? To fill out a chapter, I guess. Oh Lizzie, the girl in town that Jacob kind of thought was hot and imagined living some kind of normal-ish life with, we'll sort-of miss you. You were the most believable part of this chapter. Hell, you were the most believable part of this BOOK.

T.04.16 TMI Alert

In Which Something Something I Don't Even Know Anymore

Jacob heads out to recon and has a moment with Leah. She discusses her pack choices and it almost starts to feel like a Jacob & Leah setup. I could live with it, but I'm guessing that Meyer isn't going to bother. Leah also reveals that she can't have babies, which apparently is why she's the only female werewolf, which I don't get. Or care about.

Imprinting Update! Imprinting is a way to keep genes going within the werewolves. Because no girl would fall in love with a dangerous monster in this universe! Wait... werewolves are human quite a bit of the time, and they end up just bigger, manlier versions of normal people. Why wouldn't girls fall for them just like they do other guys? It's not like they're parasitic statues. Gods, this is idiotic.

Meyer wants Jacob vs. Rosalie to be an interesting sub-plot. It isn't.

Oh, but not as idiotic as Edward hearing the baby's MIND. I'm no neo-natal psychologist, what with that being something I just made up, but I don't think babies have coherent thoughts in the womb. Or for months after that. Oh, and the baby will either be Edward Jr. or Renesmee.It's like a twisted version of Christmas.

Jacob has a bit of a freak out so Edward gives him the keys to one of his many cars. End of chapter.

SumUp: Broccoli

That's right, broccoli. Makes as much sense as anything else. This is turning into a farce. I can't even see these people as characters any more, much less suspend disbelief and see them as real people. It's just a train wreck of bad ideas on a tumbling bridge of stupidity.

T.04.15 Tick Tock

In Which Stuff Continues To Happen That We Don't Care About

Jacob continues to patrol and send patrols. The Packs continue to converse with each other. Charlie and Renee have spoken to Bella, so that's moving somewhere.

In a nice moment, Rosalie makes Jacob a dog-dish that says FIDO on the side. It's funny. The fact that it is the highlight of the last few chapters makes me sad.

The baby is 4 days away. The vampires plan to try and get Charlie slightly informed in some roundabout way. Jacob thinks this is an idiotic idea. Jacob was the king of idiotic ideas until this book, so that's not a good sign.

We learn that Vampire babies claw their way out of their mothers. Of course, there's never been a vampire baby, so how do we know the sack/cage it's in doesn't crack open on it's own like an egg? Oh, they've been researching it. Guess Vampires have libraries somewhere with all the weird lore they've amassed. Rosalie informs us/them/whoever that no human mother has ever lived through the birth. So we have that to look forward to.

Also (HA!) they'll have to bite inward while the baby bites outward. Why the hell not.

SumUp F

This is a loose end chapter. We're dragging our way to the big double whammie of birth & vampirization and we've got to get all this crap situated beforehand. Meyer does this with her usual deft hand and subtle touch, by which I mean sledgehammer and spelling it out for us. I'm slipping into a funk, I can't bear this. I just don't care about any of this.

T.04.14 You Know Things...

In Which Meyer Wastes More Ink

The baby gives Alice headaches. When she sits near Jacob, they go away (because he blocks her telepathy). This is the only moment in this entire chapter that has any meat to it.

Fine.

• Jacob returns to the manor and Edward has left clothes for him. 
• Bella looks better.
• Bella cracks a rib
• Leah and Seth are doing patrols and the Vamps are trying to feed / clothe them
• Carlisle and Jacob discuss going out hunting so the manor is safe

There. Now you know.

SumUP: ALMOST NONE OF IT MEANS ANYTHING. 

There will be no vampire vs werewolf war at this point. Sorry, it isn't going to happen. I'm VERY much hoping that this Jacob & Alice thing turns into something, because it really was the only bright point in an otherwise tedious chapter of strategy for something that will never occur. There's also some Jacob & Leah buildup that I'm encouraged by. Meyer might actually have time to put together a romance with some kind of dramatic structure.

No, I'm not drunk.

T.04.13 Good Thing I've Got....

In Which Of Course It Works.

Page after page after page of Bella drinking blood and finally feeling better. Really better. Super fast. Why? I don't care. 4 page of setup. 3 pages of it working. blah blah blah.

Jacob finally leaves to a warning howl of the other werewolves in route. It's Jared, Paul, Quin and Colin as werewolves who want to parley. Jacob says they're not coming. Jared tries the family angle. Tells them Elders are trying to figure crap out. Jacob sends Leah to check the area and she reports all clear. Jared tries to convince Leah with some Sam talk, but that backfires. Embry is talking of switching sides, but he's mental-locked to Rachel, remember? So nothing changes.

It's fair stuff that basically highlights how awful much of the rest of these books have been. And it's pointless in regard to the ultimate climax of the book because we know baby vampire won't be a threat and the werewolves will all lub the baby and so forth because Meyer lacks the spine to set up any real drama.

SumUp; Waste of Time

Nothing is happening and yet dozens and dozens of pages are going by. Oh gods how I hate this book.

T.04.12 Some People Just...

In Which Meyer should have hired a Biologist

New arrival Leah is now in Jacob and Seth's heads. She's Seth's sister and has joined their pack. Why? She loves Sam, he's imprinted on Emily, she has to live in his head whenev she goes wolf, it sucks. Plus she's Seth's sis, so she's all protective.

There, saved you six tedious pages. The idea is great. It makes sense. Gods does it take forever to pry it out of Leah.

Leah fills them in: no attack is coming as Sam sort've figures out what the heck is going on. The new threesome dash off to fill the Carlisle in on the happs. This leads to a conversation about the medical situation of Vampires.

We learn Vamps have 25 chromosomes. You know why? I don't either. Neither does Meyer. It doesn't make sense biologically as you're born with 23 pairs and I assume that by 25 Carlisle means 25 pairs. Werewolves have 24. This means that human and vampire babies shouldn't be biologically possible. Or Human and Werewolf ones, for that matter. Do you grow extra pairs when you're bit? That makes no sense... you know what, she just stuck this in there as medical jargon and I don't care.

Edward is listening in and has an idea, if the baby is vamp, then it probably wants blood. So feed Bella blood and baby will be okay. Cue tons of setup. Cue Bella drinking blood (of unidentified type) through a straw. OH GOD WILL IT WORK?!?!?!?

SumUp C+

It isn't a bad chapter at first but all the stupid science drags it down. Why would Bella drinking blood help the baby? It'd go into her stomach and get processed, then into her intestines, then her  bloodstream, then through the (I assume) placental barrier and then into the baby. Why wouldn't the baby just tap into Bella's blood instead? It's so you can have a scene with Bella sipping Chateau du AB Positive from a straw, that's why.  I'm not even going to go into how blood banks work and why I can't see Carlisle having seven million units of whole blood on tap.

T.04.11 The Two Things...

In Which We Explore the Divine Bloodline of Werewolves

So the pack has agreed to start the blood-letting and starts to strategermize. Jacob tries to fight Sam on the plan and there's a fairly good part where Jacob resists the orders of the Alpha until Jacob finally breaks the command.

It's good stuff EXCEPT the only reason Jacob is able to break the link is because he's of royal werewolf blood. Seriously? So an evil pack Alpha couldn't be fought by pack members unless they're of superior stock? Why can't it be because Jacob is, you know, right about not wanting to do this? Or even just really against the idea? That seems like a vastly superior system: Alpha says lets go eat all the babies, members of the pack fight back with enough moral fiber to break his order-mindcontrol and suddenly they're no longer part of the pack or there's a new Alpha. Bad guy loses Alpha mantle and the pack isn't dragged around because somebody had "better" genes.

But no, it's because Jacob is of royal blood and so he essentially splits off. Sam expects a fight to be pack Alpha, which makes some kind of wolfish sense, but Jacob refuses. He breaks off and we get two different Alphas. As Jacob runs off to the Cullens, Seth appears in his brain and says he's changed packs. They both note that Sam is out of their head, which I guess makes sense. Sort of. I'd argue the logistics of this magic, but it's not worth it.

Jacob orders (but not orders) Seth to go home and he refuses. They're pack "B" now. Not wanting to use the brain-smack, Jacob gives up and they rush off to warn the Cullens that the other pack is en route. Jacob and Seth have a good, long conversation about the situation.

SumUp C-

Now that we're away from the vast, cuckolding conspiracy we get a fair insight into some Pack conversations. It's still silly telepathy and the order business sucks and the royal bloodline crap sucks, but I'm trying to focus on the positive. Jacob is much more interesting as a tactician and reluctant leader than as a sexual predator or third-wheel not-boyfriend and I guess the descriptions of the world aren't awful, but I wasn't paying attention. I give this chapter a C- because there are no angry scribbles in my notes and I didn't feel compelled to rip any pages out of this library book.

T.04.10 Why Didn't I...

In Which We Manufacture Danger

Jacob thinks this re-impregnating plan is futile.
Jacob further thinks this plan is a bit gross. What with Bella not being quite so alluring as a big, fat blob of non-virginal not-wolf. That's not what he says in his head, but I'm really barely hanging on at this point and I need to entertain myself, it seems.

They have a big ol' pow-wow and Bella tells Jacob that she plans to die in childbirth and get wahmpirzed as an out. Sort of a death-bed confession with less priest and more fangs. Oh, they don't have fangs.

Amazingly, Bella seems to think that this was a really romantic gesture on Eddy's part. I hope Mr. Meyer reads this and starts to wonder. Or maybe this is insight into their lives. I won't speculate any further.

Jacob leaves and goes wolfy. The Pack gets updated. The pack has a collective freak-out and decides that das baby is das abomination. Which I agree with, but for different reasons. Jacob is now suddenly in a lets-not-kill-vampires mood, what with seeing Bella all preggo and all. Sam isn't in the mood to discuss it. He plans to attack the Cullens and orders Jacob along for the bloodshed.

SumUp I don't even know how to rate this any more. Let's go with "G"

It really is going downhill. Jacob is suddenly the protector and not at all freaked out by the fact that Bella is WAAAY more el pregonanto than she has any business being. Sam switches from meh to sabre rattling in record time over what appears to be an entirely unique event in the history of vampire/werewolf history. Why? Dunno. Guess it's possible that vampy-baby could be the legendary super-werewolf slayer of lore that I just made up, or perhaps anything outside the norm (such as it is) turns Sam into a murderous baby killer.

But let's be crystal clear, this is just manufactured tension to get us to the ultimate showdown at the climax of this book. Remember back in book 2 when Edward told the story of vampire babies? That's the screw that this book will turn on, but we can't get there until Bella has the baby and even on this idiotic fast-forward pregnancy we're a bit away from that. SO we need something to keep the tension going and this Werewolf vs Vampire squabble is the fuel. It's nonsense, but since Meyer lacks the ability to move time forward using any tool except blank pages with months printed on them (book 2) we're going to have to live through the next few months. The fact that we're stuck in Jacob's head the whole time just makes it that much less appealing.

T.04.09 Sure as hell...

In Which The Circle Is Now Complete

Jacob heads home and meets Billy, who tells him not to confront yadda-yadda. Jacob pauses to consider this sage advice and decides it's would be a good idea to hang out and get the full dealio. No, of course he doesn't, he's the hot-head ex-boyfriend who's going to go.. er... something-something and boom, he's on his motorbike (so as to avoid the group mind of the wolves) and on his way to Vampire Manor.

Carlilse greets him at the door and Bella calls to tell him to enter. Jacob notes that Bella isn't a wahmpire (or any other sort of mystical being) and notes she's really sick. He notes Rosalie lurking in orbit and Bella stands for the big reveal: she's got all up and pregnant. Shocker.

Gods this is slow, though. I'm just not willing to drag it out for paaaaage after paaaage. We know she's pregnant, we were there. Shock Jacob and tell us what the hell is going on! This is all redundant nonsense.

Edward drags him outside and blah blah this is unbelievably tedious. Jacob wants to fight... I guess, and Edward isn't in the mood. He gives us the rundown (finally)

• Baby is killing Bella
• Bella won't let them kill it.
• Rosalie is the new bodyguard.
• The family is a bit split on this subject.
• Nobody has ever in the history of EVER heard of a Vamp/Human baby. Ever. Thousands of years and suchnot.

Edward wants Jacob to talk to Bella and convince her to get rid of this baby (wait for it) in exchange for ANOTHER baby that won't kill her. One clearly planted by good ol' Jacob. Yeah. That's the conversation this chapter ends with.

SumUP: WTF-

Hoooooooly Crap. The cuckolding of Edward is now complete. Edward is now ASKING, almost BEGGING Jacob to do the deed. Fantastic.And you know what? Jacob agrees. His POV suggests he's not expecting this to happen or anything, but regardless, here we are.

I'm just going to pause for a moment to take a breath. I honestly don't know what Meyer is saying at this point. Let's review this love triangle, shall we?

• Bella and Jacob form a manipulative, non reciprocal, codependent love triangle in Book 2
• Bella goes psycho and creates an Edward construct that emotionally abuses her
• Edward returns, and emotionally abuses her
• Jacob turns into a stalker, then sexually assaults Bella in book 3.
• Meyer manipulates Bella and Jacob into bed together
• ..... in front of Edward
• Bella then is manipulated into begging Jacob to kiss her
• Which he does, rather violently
• Wherein Bella realizes that she loved her assailant er Jacob all along. Go Stockholm Syndrome!

And here we are, adding another layer to an ugly, ugly cake.  I can only assume that this, right here right now is the climax of the series. This is the moment that Meyer has been building toward for three long novels, the second in which Edward begs Jacob to sleep with and impregnate his wife.

Think about it. Meyer clearly wants this scene to exist, look at how much work she put into making it. She has to have a reason for hubby to be an impossible father. Then she needs a back story to support the relationship. Then she needs a man so otherworldly that he can both forgive his wife AND have an eternity of some manufactured "true love" to share with her. You know what? This is the genius of Stephenie Meyer. I was wrong, so very wrong all this time!

Or she's just winging this without any character arcs mapped out and has some messed up ideas about romance and love. Byron's bunions... I am just amazed.

T.04.08 Waiting

In Which I'm not typing out all these idiotic chapter names.

Jacob is at home, trying to pick a fight with Paul, who, I'll remind you, has imprinted with Jacob's sister Rachel. Aside from making you a emotional robot, imprinting seems to work like weed because Paul is crazy mellow, man, and Jacob is totally harshing his TV slouching time. The real reason Jacob wants to tussle is to vent some frustration at the no-news he's getting from Bella and her scheduled wahperizationism. Jacob is imagining scenarios and whatnot and finally bails for the beach where Quil and his two year old fiancee Claire are playing pick-a-rock. It's a touching moment, or it would be if, well, you know.

Jacob asks Quil if he's planning on dating anyone while Claire is illegal to marry in every state and country on earth in the history of ever, but Quil's lobotomized brain can't fathom such silly concepts as dating anyone who isn't a toddler.

Yes, I am going to harp on this. This is the most repulsive idea in any mainstream media that I've ever encountered. I don't care how "big brother" this is portrayed, it's an emotional lobotomy combined with loving an infant. To go into any greater depth of depravity would require an disgusting imagination that I do not possess.

Sam howls to break up this little romantic beach game and Jake goes wolf and they get a big-ol' update on Mrs. Cullen. Bella is sick with some kind of "jungle rot" and so forth. Jacob goes berzerk, assuming the obvious, and Sam tries to convince him to stay put. Jacob is having none of that and trots off to kill Edward. I hope he does.

SumUp: D-
So we get some actual irony (Jacob thinking one thing that we know is not true), so that's somewhat interesting. It would be an actual point in Meyer's favor if this were the POV that we'd started with and she'd somehow communicated to the reader a point of information that Bella overlooked, or in any other way stuck to the limitations of first person perspective that she established through the first 3.5 books, but I digress.

Without scoring the already established horrorshow that is imprinting, this chapter starts well enough but it's just treading over dramatic territory that we've already covered. Jacob is a whiny, mopey baby when he doesn't get his way and the rest of the Wolf Pack is alternately psychotic and nosy. Why the pack isn't backing Jacob on what seems to be an obvious breach of their truce is glossed over and what we end up with is a boring retread of things long established and worn thin. Yawns between gagging over Claire & Quil

T.04.P2 Book 2 Prelude

In Which .... wait.. what?


Life sucks and then you die. Yeah, I should be so lucky.

That's the whole chapter, and since I'm doing this daily I'm just going to take some stock of the situation.

We're changing Point Of View.  

No kidding. Of 3 books and the first "book" of this double-book, we've moved away from Bella's point of view only once: in the epilogue of book 3. As with that switch, we're going to Jacob Black; the conniving, sex assaulting, third wheel, ex-boyfriend of Ms. Cullen nee Swan.
Ode de Joy.

Prior to the prologue we get a chapter lineup, so I assume Jacob will be giving us a new POV through the 11 chapters when Bella will be dealing with the icky pregnancy and birth stuff and that'd apparently be too boring seeing as she's the main focus of this series and Meyer lacks the skill (I have to assume) to carry a story from the POV of a bedridden *cough* protagonist.

Fine. Jacob it is. Why not Edward? Why not ALICE? She's reverted to a clothing obsessed tagalong. Why not Emmett or Jasper, to whom we've barely been introduced. How about Charlie? Imagine THAT perspective.

But no. It's Jacob, who suffered so much at the hands of Meyer in the last book. Jacob, who is only interesting when he's cuckolding Edward or assaulting/plotting to assault Bella.

I hate you, Stephenie Meyer.

T.04.07 Unexpected

In Which Unexpected = Lazy

Weeks pass. Boring dream sequence. Edward leaves the island to hunt, Bella wakes and makes some chicken, but it's rancid. Or she's having morning sickness. I give it half a page.

Bella finds "a blue box", which I assume is some kind of feminine hygiene product (love that vague euphemism) which inspires her to do a little date-math, which results in her realizing she's late. Oh, I mean LATE. You know, in that soap-opera tone you have to say "late". That was quick.

And her stomach is showing. (?!?!)
Her stomach is showing?
Right, so they start arguing/discussing and Alice calls and they talk to Carlisle and Bella is pregnant. REALLY pregnant.

Now a little internet research reveals the "fruit scale" for pregnant ladies.

•   12 weeks a fetus is the size of a plum. 
•   16 = apple. 
•   20 = grapefruit.

This puts Bella at 20 weeks pregnant, which either takes us back to waaaay before the wedding or Meyer has vampire babies grow at some astonishing rate. Bella insists it's the latter and they start to plan their evacuation.

Hey, it's the cleaning staff. Guess who knows Bella's all preggo? Right, That Kaure lady. Wow, that's going to make for great fireside stories back at the mainland. She's also peeved at Edward and they have a page of conversation that we don't get to understand because Edward doesn't bother to translate. At the end, she tells Bella she's doomed to die (or something). Edward insists they'll "take care of it" and Bella figures out what he means by that.

Before they leave, Bella calls Rosalie.

SumUpD

Bella is pregnant and it's going to go by fast. Why? Because Meyer doesn't want to deal with it, I assume. Now I could be wrong, but I'm betting we get the fast-forward pregnancy and fast-growing baby so we can get to the point where Bella's superbaby appears and shows us all how wonderful it is to have kids, minus all the problems that real pregnancies involve and real babies inevitably bring. None of that for us, though, it's going to be a few weeks of life-threatening baby-growing and a big, ugly birth and vampirization for mommy. Ugh.

But I can't score on what might happen, I have to score on what did:  The Rosalie ending is great, the rest is pure crap. This is the big pregnancy reveal? Morning sickness and a magic bulge? Crazy local lady whispering doom in a language we don't understand? Yeesh.

T.04.06 Distractions

In Which Bella Wants the Sex

Bella wants more sex. Edward doesn't.

To distract her, we get different island activities. Or we're TOLD there are island activities, there's very little description involved. Bella can't even user her favorite negotiating & bartering tactic to get Edward interested. She offers more human time, he ends the debate, she falls asleep. I will admit this was the best negotiating session they've had yet.

Bella has a dream, wakes up. Edward comforts her. She seduces him.

This time there's less personal injury, more property destruction.

The the cleaning crew arrives. Really? Edward just lost all his romantic points, why would you even bother with a cleaning crew in the middle of a honeymoon?  Send them in afterward, you only have to stock enough food for Bella, genius.

Oh, I see. The woman knows that Edward is a vampire, in keeping with the whole "low profile" thing and rule about not telling anyone that vampires exist or generally protecting yourself from extinction.

So Kaure, the lady cleaner, is afraid of or for Bella. Or both. Whatever. This will come into play when Bella gets all pregnant or something. Maybe they'll go to her for herbs or lore. It's very convenient. She leaves and the newlyweds get back to the point of this chapter: impregnating Bella.

SumUp C

This is a mediocre chapter that establishes even further that Vampire/Human sex is not only possible but really great in every possible way. Got to get the readers worked up and misty eyed, I suppose. Ignore all that stuff we said earlier and the fact that more Vamp/Human interspecies couples don't exist, Bella is special after all.

T.04.05 Isle Esme

In Which We Have The Most Awkward Honeymoon Ever

Bella and Edward leave for parts unknown via jet and we get a travelogue of Bella sleeping en route to Houston, Rio and a boat ride to some island off the Brazilian coast. It's romantic, to be sure, but the journey is dull and Meyer has given up on her descriptive skills again.

The island? It's jungle and palms. That's it.
The hosue? Big. White. Glass windows. Big beds. That's the extent of that.

Edward heads for the water, which is right outside the door. Wait, didn't hey just walk inland? Maybe it's a lagoon or lake or something.

So Bella is nervous, and Meyer manages to present her fidgeting and preparation competently. Bella showers, debates clothing, finally heads out to the water where she meets up with Edward in a skinny dip moment that fades tastefully to black.

After 3 books of dodging sex due to the unfathomable risk, Bella wakes up felling just fine. Now I've read a bit out there on the blogsphere about Bella getting knocked out in this honeymoon rendezvous, but that's not supported in the text. Bella seems to have some foggy memories of the evening, but nothing outrageous. Instead we get a brief description of a few bruises and bumps and the most tedious non-argument I've had to suffer through in a few dozen chapters.

• Ed is upset
• Bella doesn't get it
• Ed doesn't get why she doesn't get it, "How badly are you hurt?"
• Bella figures out the bruises, downplays it
• Edward gets ready to put his foot down on the whole honeymoon
• Bella insists she feels no pain and is fine

Blah blah blah blah blah

So Bella is hurt but either doesn't really know how badly or being clumserella has high after-injury pain threshold and selective memory or...  
  wait for it...
      it wasn't that bad.

Like the blood lust in the first book. Like James being dangerous. Like Edward being too far to reach. Like the big newborn battle. Like every other bit of conflict and tension we've ever been presented with.

But I digress. She's bruised and sore. He's a sorehead. Cue SEVEN PAGES OF THEM ARGUING about this.

• Edward can't understand Bella's attitude. 
• Bella doesn't get Edward's latest bout of martyrdom. 
• Edward thinks it was a huge mistake. 
• Bella takes it personally.

UGH. Finally we find out the worst of it, from Bella's point of view: all the feathers in her hair.
Edward vetoes any more sex.

SumUp D

Boring travelogue. Good nervousness. Lack of descriptions. TIRESOME argument.

Again, this is classic Meyer. Build something up as impossible and risky, then diffuse. Work your way to the grand climax, then bog it down in arguments and debate. This is another climax (no pun intended), the ultimate consummation of all that touching and hugging and pulling back at the last minute physical contact from the first 3 books. This chapter is the payoff for all that buildup and, like the wedding, like the newborn battle, like the ballet studio, like the square in Italy, it's undermined and flattened by Meyer.

Also, I'm off the hook for predicting a possible sex injury requiring a vampire conversion scene. Now I know that Bella is pregnant and we can look forward to the Volturi wanting to kill her baby.

T.04.04 Gesture

In Which The Reception is Boring as Well

So the wedding was awful from a literary perspective. How's the reception? Dull.

Bella meets and greets and dances and it's just tedious! The new vamps appear and they're exactly what you'd expect. Bella dances. Fastforward to Cake. Fastforward to bouquet. Fastforward to more dancing. What's the rush?

There's a good bit where Edward is mind-reading Mike and not liking it.
There's a horrible bit where Edward points out that Bella hasn't seen herself in her dress.

Really? Seriously? What planet is this again?

Whatever, finally we get to see a wedding dress. You know what? I'm a guy and I'm curious. Aren't teen girls going to want paragraphs about it? Maybe that's sexist, but we get 2 whole sentences as Bella checks her reflection in a window.Yeesh.

Jacob arrives and they have the most tedious conversation thus far and then dance. Bella reveals her honeymoon plans and Jacob freaks out. It's moronic. Jacob is technically right on this one, at least from what we've been told over and over and over. Bella is a moron for revealing this tidbit and the other werewolves have to drag him off so Edward doesn't.... I don't know, tussle with him? We've no reason to think it would be an easy fight and Meyer sure as hell isn't going to give us any action.

Finally, Edward and Bella say their farewells and we get the only well-described, well-paced, believable moments in this train wreck. The final few paragraphs are touching, but it's much too little too late.


SumUp D

D is for DULL. Dull, dull, dull, dull, dullards and dullness and yawn fest duhhhh.





I'm not naming or tagging guests. They weren't really there, they were window dressing for a boring little play.

Again, Meyer has a chance here to break out the descriptive machine gun and she balks. There's ample opportunity to explore Bella's feelings after the ceremony but it's all simple and flat and lifeless until the very end. Why is Jacob torturing himself? We don't know. Why is Bella revealing her future sex life to Mr. Third Wheel Ex-Boyfriend? No clue. Another at-bat for Ms Meyer and she's watching all the literary pitches slowly drift past the plate. Maybe she put all her effort into the climax of the book... or the honeymoon.

T.04.03 Big Day

In Which Bella Gets Married. Apparently.

So here we are. Another climax, another chance to make Bella stand out. Another chance to thrill the reader and what do we get?
The worst wedding I've ever read about.

Bella wakes up, chats with Charlie and is picked up by Alice. She's blindfolded and taken upstairs where they get her ready.

So no description of the house. No description of the place where the big, climactic wedding ceremony will take place. We've no idea what it looks like yet. Instead, we get a smell. That's actually a good thing if we get a big description later, let's find out.

Bella gets her hair & makup & dress. We then get descriptions OF EVERYONE ELSE'S OUTFITS. We get Renee's, we get Charlie's, we get Alice and Rosalie of all people! We get half a sentence about Bella's buttons, a single-word description of her garter and a pair of blue hair combs.

So, big entrance. Bella is distracted and nervous, which is the only reason I can imagine Meyer not describing the room at all. Honestly. She mentions tons of flowers and says there are some chairs. Great, chairs. One assumes people are sitting in them, but you'd have to assume. She doesn't bother to tell us who's there other than Edward and Charlie. We get a short version of the ceremony and a few sentences from Bella about how she feels and it's over. We cut to the reception in the next chapter, but every word telling us about the wedding after Bella gets dressed is done with in 3 pages.

SumUp F

I'm honestly in shock. This is a climactic moment, a moment the reader has been waiting for since the first chapter of the first book. Meyer doesn't have to describe action or conflict or tension, she doesn't have to resolve any problem or tension. This is a place where descriptive fluff can be ladled on with abandon. We want it, give it to us! Meyer can do descriptions, I've seen it. Meyer can do conversation, I've read it.  So why, why, why does she lock Bella down to the point where she can't tell us anything about her own wedding!?

By the way, has any bride in the history of modern weddings NOT looked at herself in her wedding dress?
 
Yes, Edward fills her vision. Yes, it's a narrator with a singular focus. But even if we accept her blindness during the march that doesn't mean she can't look around AFTER the kiss! If Meyer had to have Bella fixed in this tunnel-vision, why not break it then? Why not describe the relief, the thrill of the moment? Have Bella tell us the faces she sees? the room, suddenly revealed? SOME bit of visual information for the reader? She has a license to go on for pages and pages about the gorgeous decor, the amazing faces, the joy Bella feels. Instead, it's all blind, stumbling, boring Bella trying to not collapse in the mysterious fog and then woosh! reception.

Inexcusably lazy.

T.04.02 Long Night

In Which We Learn The Threat Of The Book

So Bella and Edward are making out in her room filling us in on the last 3 books (ugh..) while waiting for Emmett and Jasper to take Ed to his bachelor party. This involves killing animals, which is pretty much what he does every weekend. Maybe they put stripper outfits on the mountain lions.

Edward tells a long story about Vampire babies, in which he reveals two big things: he wants babies & vampire babies are bad.

The idea is that vampires created toddler vampires, which locked them into the mindset and physical form of toddlers. They also gain some magical lovey powers so nobody wants to kill them even though they're locked in the terrible twos with super powers forever and ever. The Volturi have outlawed this practice and apparently enforce it more than the "don't tell anyone about vampires" rule.

So.
In case you missed the hammer of foreshadowing: Bella & Edward are going to have a half-vampire baby. The Volturi are going to find out and come try to kill it, even though it's not a vampire baby but just a half-vampire baby, which I'm sure is different in ways that Meyer will explain. I suspect it'll be more human than vampire, but I don't really care since this is the last book and it'll end on the big battle and the future of the baby is immaterial.

To drive home the point, Edward informs us/Bella that the Alaska connection also has a history with vampire babies and Tanya and her sisters lost their mother over one.

Edward leaves with Emmett and Jasper. Bella goes to sleep and we get an awful dream sequence that I'm ignoring on principle.

SumUp C-

Bad foreshadowing.
Tedious retelling of backstory.
Blatantly obvious conflict point.

I just don't care. Get married. Have the baby and get on with it. This book is supposed to be the climax of Bella and Edward's romantic relationship (Marriage), physical relationship (Honeymoon), Vampire nonsense (Conversion) and wrap up the Volturi (big fight at the end). This is necessary enough for the baby conflict, but it's told so poorly and slowly that I don't CARE, I just want some kind of forward momentum to develop!

T.04.01 Engaged

In Which Bella Drives A Tank

Bella gots a tank-car for her engagement and is tooling through Forks in it. It's some kind of armored luxury supercar that Sultans and Drug Knigpins drive, but Edward got her one so she wouldn't snuffit before the big impregnation scene (spoiler). Local teens are impressed, which I guess is remotely possible but would make more sense if it were an actual exotic supercar and not some bomb-proof behemoth.

Fine, whatever. Jacob has gone AWOL after the last book. Bella and the werewolves and Bill know he's in Canada, so I guess everyone else is letting Charlie worry like crazy for no reason. Nicely done.

Edward & Bella visit Charlie for the big engagement announcement. Charlie assumes she's preggers (not yet!) then gets mad, then passes the buck to Renee. Wow. Renee isn't surprised at all, she was under the impression that they'd been secretly engaged since the Florida Vacation in the last book. Double Wow. All that build up and we get a typical Meyer anti-climax. Thanks, Meyer!

Jump forward to wedding outfit fitting for Charlie. No clue how much time has passed, one assumes a week or two.

Bella gets her dress, Alice is bubbly, Bella is mopey and thinking about Edward lovin.

SumUp C-

There's jumpy timing and the chapter is essentially endless Bella pining for Edward amid sparse information about the nuptials. Why is Bella so distracted? Even with wedding jitters, why can't we get a decent description of anything? Why is Charlie so pathetic here? This is supposed to be the build up to one of the most important moments in the book: the wedding! The climax of their relationship! And yet we're given scarce details, no friends calling, no rushed last-minute details, no girl-talk or help from dad or anything. It's a big rush to get us there, I suppose.

Bella is her typically useless self, this time turning over every nuance of the wedding to Alice and Edward. She's in neutral, as usual, even with the culmination of all her desires slowly working it's way into reality.