Twilight: The Grand SumUP

In case you have any doubt, Twilight: The Saga is a horrible series of books by every possible measurement. If you don't believe me then you haven't been reading my posts. Which isn't shocking. But in my final argument and final post I shall endeavor to summarize the pure scope of how bad this series of *cough* books are.


The Big Five
There are 5 concepts which undermine this series more than all others.

1. Imprinting. Ignoring for just a moment the horror of the pseudo-romantic relationship between grown men and infants, imprinting is a nightmare. It robs characters of key emotions and abilities to make decisions and destroys the chance that they might be flawed (and thus dramatic) human beings capable of cheating, lying or feeling emotions other than those that support the other imprintee. It is anti-literature, it is a destroyer of drama and conflict and it renders the idea of love moot. As for the infants, I can't even begin to put adjectives together that express how ugly that was.
2. Failed Climaxes. Meyer undermines every climactic arc and conflict with shocking regularity. At no point are we allowed fulfillment of ideas, dramatic catharsis or resolution. In the first book, we are told repeatedly that James is a threat (B1C18) only to have him killed off-page without much effort (B1C23). We are told early on that Edward can't drink Bella's blood and then he has no problem doing so. In the second book, Bella overcomes assurances that she can't possibly reach Edward in time by cleverly reaching him in time (B2C20). In the third book we are shown little of the allegedly epic Vampire vs Newborn battle (B3C23) and instead are treated to Edward and Sam fighting Victoria and a newborn, who they dispatch with little difficulty (B3C24). In the final book the werewolf infighting is fixed by a royal blood line. The great vampire vs. werewolf war is fixed by sudden imprinting, which coincidentally ALSO fixes the horrible ongoing love triangle between the main characters. Finally, the greatest climactic undermining in the entire series has both a Deux Ex Machina (Alice returning with another half vampire) AND the final climax is resolved by committee, thus sparing many lives and saving the reader from anything exciting or dramatic after all those chapters of build-up for a great vampire war.
3. The Main Characters. None of the main characters in the books are likable for any period of time. Meyer paints Bella as a Mary-Sue character throughout the series, ranging from the early attention at school to her magical vampire powers at the end. Shockingly, Meyer also prevents Bella from ever realizing any information, accomplishing anything or providing any value to the book except as a cameraman/narrator and damsel to be protected by her super-powered friends. She is at her worst manipulating the emotions of those around her, especially Jacob and Edward. Edward is an inhuman statue who lives to forgive and tolerate Bella while doing nothing on his own. At his best he exists only to be there for Bella and at his worst he's an emotionally distant boyfriend who's only coping skill is in bargaining. Jacob starts as a believable alternate boyfriend/buddy who works hard to establish himself as a viable, likable character only to resort to sexual assault and emotional manipulation.
4. "Love". There is little love to be found in this "romance" series. Bella's relationship with Edward is essentially given to us in the first book as fiat, cast in stone by the gods above (the author in this case) and never to be questioned. Like imprinting, this robs it of all value. It simply is, but without any support or growth or depth it rings hollow and holds no value. The only relationship that is ever allowed to build is between Jacob and Bella, and that turns into an ugly mockery in the third book where both Bella and Jacob manipulate each other with it for their own ends. Brief moments of fondness and caring can be found, but they sadly only exist between secondary characters far from the central story.
5. The Cuckolding of Edward. It pains me to revisit this travesty of storytelling, even long after I've finished the books. Edward is never a sympathetic character and by the end of the second book I had grown to actively dislike him. He did not, however, deserve the ugly treatment that Meyer insists on heaping upon him. From the ludicrously conceived camp scene to the ultimate conclusion where Edward begs Jacob to impregnate Bella, there is no shred of manhood left in poor Edward. 

The Constant Annoyances
There are numerous, ongoing horrors that never rise the the ugliness of the big 5.

1. Cheating the POV. Meyer has chosen first-person narration as her voice, allowing her to present her heroine's feelings immediately and intimately to the reader. The downside to first-person is that your field-of-view is limited to what the character can see. Unless, of course, you cheat. How? Edward is psychic and willing to tell Bella everything. The werewolves are psychic and willing to tell Bella everything. Alice can see the future. Renesmee is psychic. Bella hears things while she's sleeping. Jacob reveals huge chunks of backstory as myth and lore. The werewolves are perfectly happy to reveal everything they are and know and their entire history over a campfire. The vampire family is open and honest and chatty. The villains are open and honest and chatty. When the person who IS the first person is incapacitated, Meyer shifts cameras to a different person (Jacob). These cheats rob the plot of tension, telling the narrator (and thus the reader) everything needed to simply plow forward.
2.  Weird Monsters. Meyer can modify vampire and werewolf lore all she wants for her story, but she doesn't seem to considered her choices beyond "make them inhuman". Vampires drink blood but have no fangs, which means they must digest it normally or have some kind of altered digestion, which seems like a lot of work. They don't breathe, which means they can only get oxygen from the blood they drink and yet they're super-fast energy machines. They have extra chromosomes, which is senseless. They are immensely beautiful, but need to maintain a low profile. Werewolves are psychic and mind-slaved to their nobility-style pack leader, which raises numerous problems. Vampires have X-Men style random powers. Newborn vampires are crazy killing machines who somehow then lose power. Half-vampires are just a grab-bag of nonsensical choices. If a vampire and werewolf had a kid it would be an epic freak-show of powers and physiology.
3. Meyer Hates Humanity. Time and time again Meyers raves about how great it must be for Vampires. All the messy humanity is robbed from them: sweat, flesh, actual sex, digestion, real-time pregnancy, raising messy, fussy human babies. Once you are a statue with no need to sleep or rest or put out human excretions, it'll all be perfect.
4. Eye-Moting. Of all the descriptive failures by Meyer (the wedding comes to mind) the worst is the emotional eyes in the first 2 books. Meyer manages to break herself of the habit (or I started ignoring it) but it highlights a bigger problem. Meyer has the capability to describe things well: events, places, conversations, actions; but she fails to do so with terrible regularity. The eye emoting is the most obvious  (B1C3, B1C10, B1C11, B1C12, B1C13, B2C11, B2C23) but time and again you get short, perfunctory chapters where the action is forced forward so we can get to a climax that will ultimately be deflated.
5. Weak, Late Characterization. Secondary character backstories are introduced in every case only to highlight the current plot: Carlisle is introduced right before the Hunt story so we have a doctor ready to save Bella at the end (B1C16). Alice gets a tiny flash of story at the end of the Hunt to fill us in on how her powers work and how James knew how to bypass them (B1C22). Edward introduces newborns to Bella before the Victoria plot (B3C2) followed by Jasper's story to flesh out newborns (B3C11). Vampire babies are introduced so we have a plot for book 4 (B4C2).  Only Rosalie gets any sort of real story without an obvious connection to the immediate plot, and that comes in book 4!

There's more, of course, spelled out in my individual chapter reviews. I am, however, tired. The series was horrible, not only for the reasons listed above, but because there were moments when this actually felt like I was reading for pleasure. Early in Book 2, during certain parts of the last book, here and there in just about every book there were real moments when I was in Forks, Washington watching a few teenagers and monsters. They were brief. They were always eventually spoiled by horrible writing and bad ideas and they made the low points all the worse by existing at all. You don't know how much I have raged at this series, how much I loathe it as a whole and how disappointed I am that it has become so popular.

Perhaps I don't really hate Stephenie Meyer, but I hate this series. I don't begrudge her the mountains of dollars she's no doubt earned, but I hope she knows that what she has written is truly abominable and that every one of those dollars came at a price.

If you loved this series despite it's flaws I envy you.

The end.

T.04.36 Bloodlust or I HATE YOU MEYER

In Which 
         THERE 
                IS 
                    NO 
                          WAR

The Volturi arrive. They argue about Nessie. The Cullens insist she's not a vampire, the Volturi are essentially forced to agree, but they claim to be concerned that Nessie is too much of an unknown and that she must be destroyed.

In that moment, they kill Irena. Tanya's group are shocked and angry. The Volturi guards get ready for a fight.

Here. RIGHT HERE. RIGHT FREAKING HERE! We have the spark for war. Whatever else the two sides have talked about, and believe me they TALKED A LOT, this is the spark for conflict. Here's where the bodies hit the floor.

Except they don't.

They argue EVEN MORE and then boom, Alice shows up with another half-vampire and everybody agrees that this solves EVERYTHING because this other half-vampire didn't end up causing some unexplained apocalypse. Everybody leaves.

Happy times at the Cullen house, curtain closes on Bella and Edward in their cottage with magic baby.

I hate you Stephenie Meyer.

SumUp: There just are no words.

The climax of this book, of this series, of this nightmare is a giant argument in a field in which the final decision is for everyone to go the hell home.

Why? I think it's because Meyer chickened out. 

She clearly intended for there to be a battle. All the preparation. All the combat training. All the abilities honed to weapons. All the strategy. A DOZEN chapters of this and you know what? She didn't want to kill anybody because in order for this to be even slightly realistic, even slightly honest to the high-drama setup somebody was going to die. Emmett, Jasper, Alice, whoever, Meyer couldn't put her pen to paper and write "JASPER DIED" and live with the consequences. She painted herself into a corner where her artificial, two dimensional constructs would have to die on paper and she totally f&^%ng panicked. And so she did the one thing she is better at than ANY other author in the universe: she deflated the climax and wrote a gigantic let down and sold it to a million teens.

Alice gets to play Deus ex machina, Bella doesn't have to kill anyone or watch anyone die or grow as a character and everybody else gets to talk a lot and then wander off stage.

I am 100% serious. No kidding. No faking. Not making this up because I couldn't. That is, spoiler alert this book sucks, the grand finale of this "saga". An argument in a field. A debate that ends in a vote. A VOTE! The bad guys show up, decide things aren't worth bothering with and then LEAVE. I challenge you to find any other story in which a VOTE is the deciding factor. I'm not talking 12 angry men sort of figure out the truth and vote unanimously, it's a 2-1 pseudo-cliffhanger of a moment in which they ultimately vote to do NOTHING.

Remember the horrid climax of book 1? James dies off-screen and everything we've been told is really important and dangerous really wasn't? I raged. I yelled. I threw things and swore and said things about Stephenie Meyer that probably aren't true or even biologically possible.

Remember book 2? Bella couldn't possibly save Edward because there was no time but oh, wait she did! I raged. I yelled. I demanded that the universe fix this wrong by crushing Meyer with a meteor the size of a bread truck.

Remember book 3? When Victoria was actually a threat and we watched one tenth of an actual battle and got to see people die but Bella was still just an annoying girl constantly in the way? I raged. I threw things and probably kicked furniture.

Today? Book 4?  I ... didn't yell. I didn't kick anything. I am defeated. Oh, I raged a bit silently but then, I realized the horrible, horrible truth.
 
This book is the Mona Lisa of climactic letdowns. The Taj Mahal of deux ex machina finales. The Citizen Fu%$@g Kane of literary failures. This, this is truly ART, and I don't know how she does it. Meyer is clearly a savant at destroying the structures of literature, at building up the accepted first two acts of drama only to kick the chair out from under you. She is a sadist with a pen, wielding the need we have for a satisfying story climax as a weapon and stabbing us in the soul with it while cackling gleefully. She knows how the human spirit longs for a dramatic conclusion that brings all the conflict together at the end and allows the protagonist to achieve victory but she pulls it away from us at the last moment, leaving us only with the bitter dregs of the story, wallowing in our dashed hopes and needs. Meyer will not cater to the three act arc, no matter how much we love it. No matter how successful it's been for centuries. No matter how much it soothes us and satisfies us.

Does she do this intentionally? Does she see the sword she wields? I doubt it. It's instinctual, automatic, inherent in her subconscious. She hates her characters. She hates humanity. She hates me. And oh, how I hate her back. This book, this series, this glorious cultural milestone is an abomination, but it is so perfectly crafted an abomination that I am forced to sit back and marvel at its wonder. I salute you Ms Meyer. I hate you with a ferocity that I thought was impossible, but I cannot help but gaze in shocked awe at your monumental, perfectly formed failure.

T.04.28 THROUGH T.04.35

In Which I Sum This BS The Hell UP.

Typically, I read a few chapters ahead and make quick notes. Then I do each chapter in detail with some knowledge of the future. Not always, but sometimes.

But I was getting bored. There are a trillion chapters left and I knew what was going to happen, right? No. No I didn't. I know what was clearly supposed to happen. I know what Meyer was blatantly building up to. But what happens was so awful, so disappointing. So ridiculously bad that I'm just done. DONE. This is the last write up. This is the last chapter summary and it's going to summarize the rest of the book up to just before the climax because NONE OF THE NEXT DOZEN CHAPTERS MEAN A FREAKING THING. Tell me what is SUPPOSED to happen next and then reel in horror as the truth is revealed.

• CH29 - Alice leaves a note for Bella's eyes only with an address. Carlisle invites Tanya's crew to come down
• CH30 - Tanya arrive and agree to act as "witnesses" to the conflict and agree that Nessie is not a Vampire.
• CH31 - More vampires arrive. Bella figures out how that her ability is a "shield" that she was using as a human only on herself. As a vampire, she can use it on others. She starts training for combat.
• CH32 - More vampires arrive and agree to "witness" and that Nessie isn't a Vampire. More Cullen combat training
• CH33 - Bella finds a guy to make fake passports for Nessie via Alice's secret address.
• CH34 - More vampires. More Cullen combat training.
• CH35 - Bella picks up her fake passports. She plans to send Nessie off with Jacob to save her from the conflict / executions.

 So at the end of chapter 35, what do we have? The Cullens are preparing for combat. The Werewolves have agreed to fight for Jacob & Nessie and thus for the Cullens. Many of the guest vampires are clearly ready for combat, including several with superpowers and others who have agreed to train Bella in fighting Vampires. The Volturi are coming with a perfect excuse to wipe out the Cullens. Bella now has a real defense against the Volturi's super-powered vampire guards (one can cause people to defect, one has a mind-attack, one causes people to become lethargic). The house is a war-room, Bella has an out for Nessie, there is no real escape for Bella and Edward.

There must be war. The whole final third of this massive tome is constructed to set up a war. We know who the sides are. We know who the generals are. We have a battle plan. There must be casualties.

There must be war. There are no alternatives because Meyer has put every piece in place for there to BE war. This is the last act. The final antagonist is coming to meet the protagonist in order to resolve the last, great conflict. Bella must overcome this final enemy or all is for naught.

There MUST BE WAR

T.04.28 The Future

In Which We See The Future

Alice uses her plot-cheating powers to spell out what I just told you. The Volturi will be arriving in a month and bringing everyone they have: wives, guards, the guy who fixes the sink, that secretary lady I guess, etc.

Alice then bails on some secret mission. I bet she comes back at the last second.

Oh, and a Month? It takes a month? These guys are uber-rich, they can't organize in less time than that?
Whatever, everybody is scared and blah blah blah.

T.04.27 Travel Plans

In Which Something Actually Happens

The short of it: Bella is planning to visit the Volturi to prove that she's a vampire. While out hunting, Bella crosses paths with Irena. Irena sees Nessie and runs off.

So here FINALLY is the spark that gets this train movig. Irena tells the Volturi, the Volturi now have an excuse to kill the Cullens and the Cullens have the Werewolves as a backup. Big battle, Volturi killed, survivors live happily ever after.

What else happens in this chapter? Nothing.

T.04.26 Shiny

In Which Nothing Happens

Charlie gets more information and is just dandy with the situation. Or doesn't care. Whatever.

Reneeesssemee's middle name is Carlie. Yeah.

Bella arm wrestles Emmett and wins.

They destroy a rock.

Nessie doesn't sparkle.


SumUp: YAWN

T.04.25 Favor

In Which .... I just don't know.

Back at Vampire Manor the Cullens & crew start to plan Bella's future, except that Jacob has broken character and done something. Shockingly, he's found some motivation and spine and gone and told Charlie that Bella is right as rain, of a sort, and that he should come on back to the manor to see her.

Mad vampires everywhere. Charlie is on his way.

Oh, remember that "no telling humans" rule? He broke it by converting into a Werewolf right there in front of Charlie. Seems like a great plan to me. He then told Charlie that Bella had changed, but not into a wolf.

Charlie takes the "TMI" path on this. Really? As a parent, I can assure you that this is idiotic in the extreme. He just wants to see Bella and doesn't care about the details.

Why? Because Meyer is LAZY. Not just lazy, incredibly, mind-bogglingly lazy. This is a dodge, she doesn't want to write the argument, the fallout, the problems, the questions, the anger, the fear, the -emotions- and DRAMA that go into this. Unfortunately for HER, she's the author! She created this universe. She created this problem and should want to write the big blowup with daddy!

Buuuut no. What we get is Bella wearing contact lenses and taking "human lessons" to entertain Daddy. They're also worried that she'll want to bit charlie OR that Nessie will want to bite him. Lovely.

Charlie arrives

• He's upset at Carlisle for lying. He's not FURIOUS or murderous or livid, he's just upset.
• He notes Bella looks different. Which should be an understatement. He doesn't really want to know.
• Bella wants to eat him. Yeeeaaah.
• Charlie figures out that Bella is Reneseme's mother. Seriously. I don't know how, she -should- barely be pregnant. Even assuming Bella was pregnant at the wedding, she'd still only be somewhere in her second trimester. This assumes that she got pregnant and had the baby in secret before the wedding.
• Charlie is distracted by football on TV

Now I can accept that Charlie gets overwhelmed and just walks off, but this is clearly a "hey, College football" moment.


SumUP: Q

I can't possibly sum this up any further. It's idiotic. It's nonsense. It's purely Meyer sidestepping the plot. I hate you, Stephenie Meyer.

T.04.24 Surprise

In Which Bella Gets A House

Yep, a house.  I guess if you're magically rich you can have a cottage built on your property without all the fuss of permits or schedules or whatever. I've no idea when they would have built this thing and at some point whilst reading this abomination of a series I might have cared. No longer, it's a house. Fine.

It is described nicely at least.

Alice gives Bella a metric ton of clothes, so she's still the same two dimensional character we had in the first book.

Also well described: sex as a vampire is apparently awesome. You know why? None of that sweat or other bodily fluid. Also no exhaustion, no effort, no end to the long session. I don't know if there's any sort of climax, what with the questionable blood situation. In the end it's literally inhuman, and thus not particularly interesting. I don't know if Meyer understands that all that ick is part and parcel to the experience of sex and that the limitations and effort required make it special and fleeting. I guess she imagines this is the epitome of sexual contact, removing everything that makes it special outside the actual contact and then sugar coating it.

So all that horrible human sex stuff thus removed, Bella and Edward go at it like robots and then sort of just stop, I guess. Since there's now no need for bathrooms or showers or anything else that makes us frail and interesting, they just sort of get bored with this particular activity and wander back to the main house.

SumUp D

I'm convinced that Stephenie Meyer hates being a human being. All this icky fluid and bathroom stuff and sweaty contact. Maybe she's turning into Howard Hughes.

The chapter has a few interesting descriptive moments. That's all I've got.

T.04.23 Memories

In Which Tension Is Again Undermined

Fallout? Apologies. So Seth get's his shoulder broken by Bella & Jacob's scuffle. Also, since Jacob has imprinted on Nessie (their nickname), the pack can't kill the vampires. Odd rule that. Oh I understand not killing Nessie, and by extension Bella and maybe Edward, but the rest of the clan o' wahmpires? Seems iffy.

Regardless, Jacob allowed Bella's transformation as pack Alpha and has imprinted and thus no longer loves Bella and the pack is off their killing plan so that's all tied up in a neat little boring package without any horrid drama or conflict or other literary devices we might accidentally be interested in. Hooooray for boring tripe.

Reneseameeee is now growing at an exponential rate, with no regard for biology or physiology. Lovely. Her super power is that she can shove memories into your head via telepathy. Her first memory is crazy Bella.

One nice touch is that Jasper had a tough time converting and feels bad and or less manly because Bella is sailing right along with nary a problem. If he only knew that she had special author-imbued talents that he's been denied.

Oh, and it's Bella's birthday. So that's nice. The Cullens give her a key.


SumUp: Does it even matter?

Gods, we're now trudging toward that final milestone and it's not going to go smoothly it seems. Meyer has once again built up the tension and let it deflate with a whimper. No, no, don't bother SHOWING us the fight in detail, just tell us that Seth got his shoulder broken and let it go at that. We'll just fill the rest in ourselves. It's probably better this way.

T.04.22 Promised

In Which The Crap Is Neck Deep

I could live with Renessme being special. She's half vampire. She is, however, perfect. It's perfection and nonsense and lazy and crap.

They race home. Jacob is there to see if Bella can resist killing someone. She manages to not kill him (pity) and picks up Renessme. She's two days old and gigantic, which is lazy. She smells like food, but Bella can resist. Lazy.

But do you know what the kicker is? The ultimate lazy shortcut?
The baby is PSYCHIC.

Gods. Just... gods.

Oh, Bella figures out the imprinting thing and tries to kill Jacob. Again. And fails. Again. How does she fail? I've no idea. It seems like a mother who found this out AND had superpowers would have little difficultly snapping Jacob's head from his neck and eating it. Of course, Meyer wants Jacob around in a few chapters so the werewolves can fight the Volturi, so that's probably what saved him.

SumUp Fuuuuuuuuuu

You know why babies are hard? Because you don't know what they want. Because they may not want anything. Because they're figuring out a world they don't understand while you struggle to get enough sleep at night for months on end.

Not Bella. She has a perfect baby. More specifically, she has an artificial, facsimile of a baby that she won't ever have to do anything about. It's artificial. It's fake. It's nonsense. This is lazy on a truly epic scale.

T.04.21 First Hunt

In Which Bella Is SPECIAL

We get it, she's special. She jumps out the window to bypass the baby downstairs. Very graceful.
Big jump across a river. Not a problem.
Hunting elk. Like a pro

Humans! Woo, some drama, some conflict, some... no, Ed stopped her without any trouble.

"How did you stop hunting (the humans)?" because she's special, dummy.
"You shouldn't be able to do any of this"

Really? Meyer shouldn't be allowed to do any of this. Nobody seems capable of stopping her.

Bella kills a lion and some deer and they make out (yummy) and go home.

Lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, LAZY WRITING.

SumUp: I hate you, Meyer

Seriously, this is an endless stream of dumb.

T.04.20 New

In Which Bella is A SuperVampire

Of course.
Bella wakes up as a vampire. This is done well enough. She gives a good description of what it feels like to breathe and touch and the smells and sounds around her. Edward and Alice and Jacob are there as she tries to get accustomed to her new body. Ed stares. She's distracted by the senses around her.

It's all good except for one thing. She's supposed to be starving, a human-hunting killing machine with a singular focus and super-vampire strength. Carlisle points out that he's shocked by her composure. You know what? HE SHOULD BE.

It's another lie by Meyer. Another long setup and another let down. It means that either Bella is (again) some kind of unique animal that we have no possible reason to empathize with or everybody has been exaggerating the risk. It doesn't matter which it is, Meyer has once again dropped the ball.

Oddly, Bella lies about how horrible the transformation was. I have no clue why. Who is she protecting? Who is she trying to lie TO?

Carlisle says she should be hungry and she suddenly is. She's distracted by her appearance in a mirror, though, which Alice insists on showing her. Guess whether she's astonishingly beautiful or not. Go on.

They finally go back to the idea of being hungry and so they take Bella hunting.

SumUp: Not Good

Of course she's super beautiful. Of course she's composed. None of the rules of this or any universe apply to Bella. She's special. She's unique. She can do whatever Meyer wants her to do without worrying about such silly concepts as consistency or characterization or maintaining the illusion. Those things don't make good stories, Mary-Sue protagonists who never really have to do anything, that's what makes a great story (end sarcasm).

I bet she doesn't kill anyone while they're hunting.

T.04.19 Burning

In Which Meyer Actually Writes A Climax

4 pages of Bella's POV of the birth
14 pages of Transforamation.

FOURTEEN!

And it's not awful! There are adjectives. ADJECTIVES! There is agony and movement and interest and events and STUFF. It's a climax, people! A CLIMAX!!!!!

T.04.P3 Prelude

Bella is fighting the Volturi in a dream. End of Prelude.

So here's the established order of events we can expect.

1. Bella becomes a vampire. Much anguish.
2. Introduction to the baby
3. Bella and Edward have a vampire honeymoon
4. Somehow the Volturi find out about vampire baby and assume it's a full vampire.
5. Big build up
6. Big battle
7. Much happily ever after

Where does Jacob fit into this? Dunno. Don't really care anymore. I guess he's just another loyal soldier in the final battle. Maybe Meyer will kill him off. Doubt it.

T.04.18 There are no words...

In Which There Really Are Words

Bella is birthin' a vampire baby and it's actually bloody. You know what, IT SHOULD BE DAMMIT. Nothing else has been.

So in the makeshift ER / Library Alice, Rosalie, Emmett, Jacob are struggling with Bella. Rosalie opens her up with a slash (woo!) and immediately goes berserko. Which makes no sense, since she's never killed a human and has been the most protective of anyone thus far. In any case, Jacob tackles her and they start to fight. FINALLY!

Oh, wait Alice breaks it up. Boo.

Jacob starts CPR. Bella's spine breaks (what?). Edward starts to bite through the casing.

AND WE HAVE A BABY! Woo, finally! It's a girl, Edward gives her to Rosalie as Bella's heart starts to fail. Edward injects his own venom (first mention of this plan) into Bella's heart. Jacob continues the CPR. Eward starts to bite Bella all over with venom, which seems like overkill given the heart-injection thing, but I'm not a vampire biologist. Jacob thinks Bella is dead (quitter!), goes downstairs to check on the baby, who I assume is soon to be named Renessmee.

Jacob rages out and decides maybe infanticide isn't out of the question. Why? I don't know. I guess killing the baby will make it all better. Regardless, he comes up behind the baby and boom

JACOB IMPRINTS ON THE BABY.
Holy F&%K didn't see that coming.

Oh and Bella isn't dead.

SumUp: WHATTHEFREAKINGHELLIHELLOKITTYMATICINABLENDER minus

Just... WTF.

Just to get this out of the way, the birth scene actually made me happy. It was gory. It was bloody. Bella got destroyed physically. Those are all logical conclusions given the universe that Meyer has constructed. I don't get the baby in a shell thing, but it's suitably weird given the situation. I don't get how vampire venom works or the whole bite & seal thing that Edward does, but again the universe of Twilight has already been established, these sort of things makes sense in that construct.

I don't understand why Jacob assumes Bella is dead, but he hasn't had to endure Carlisle's endless discussions on how people were converted. I REALLY don't understand why killing the baby becomes Plan B, it's nice that conspiracy to commit infanticide is now something I can tag onto Jacob's resume, though.

I really don't understand why Jacob & Leah or Jacob & Alice were impossible options. Why the setup? Why lead us down that path? Either would have been a solid bit of drama, especially Alice. Hell, that might have been a million times more interesting than Bella and Edward. But no.. instead we get.

THE MOST HORRIBLE THING IN LITERATURE
I guess 2 years old is just over the hill in the Meyerverse. Five minutes old, that's where the love is.
I joke, but seriously? The hell? THE HELL? Do I even need to go into how impossibly atrocious this is? How this is such an incredibly lazy way to end the love triangle? How ... gods, what is wrong with Stephenie Meyer?!?!?

I'm unable to put this into words at the moment, so I'll just shrug and shake my head. Won't you join me?

Doesn't make me feel a lot better, but it's something.

T.04.17 What do I look Like...

In Which Meyer Wastes My Time Even More Blatantly


Jacob goes for a drive, meets a pretty girl, talks cars and comes back. It doesn't mean anything, will not affect anything else in this book ever and is ultimately a pointless waste of time and ink. Thank you Stephenie Meyer.

Leah and Jacob have a moment upon his return, so maybe there's something here. Dunno.

Edward asks Jacob to use his Alpha status to update the truce and allow Edward to vampirize/save Bella. Jacob talks to Bella and given the choice of her obviously dying or being a horrible monster for all eternity with her very soul at risk of destruction, agrees.

Bella goes into labor. Sort of.

SumUp F

Why send Jacob off? To fill out a chapter, I guess. Oh Lizzie, the girl in town that Jacob kind of thought was hot and imagined living some kind of normal-ish life with, we'll sort-of miss you. You were the most believable part of this chapter. Hell, you were the most believable part of this BOOK.

T.04.16 TMI Alert

In Which Something Something I Don't Even Know Anymore

Jacob heads out to recon and has a moment with Leah. She discusses her pack choices and it almost starts to feel like a Jacob & Leah setup. I could live with it, but I'm guessing that Meyer isn't going to bother. Leah also reveals that she can't have babies, which apparently is why she's the only female werewolf, which I don't get. Or care about.

Imprinting Update! Imprinting is a way to keep genes going within the werewolves. Because no girl would fall in love with a dangerous monster in this universe! Wait... werewolves are human quite a bit of the time, and they end up just bigger, manlier versions of normal people. Why wouldn't girls fall for them just like they do other guys? It's not like they're parasitic statues. Gods, this is idiotic.

Meyer wants Jacob vs. Rosalie to be an interesting sub-plot. It isn't.

Oh, but not as idiotic as Edward hearing the baby's MIND. I'm no neo-natal psychologist, what with that being something I just made up, but I don't think babies have coherent thoughts in the womb. Or for months after that. Oh, and the baby will either be Edward Jr. or Renesmee.It's like a twisted version of Christmas.

Jacob has a bit of a freak out so Edward gives him the keys to one of his many cars. End of chapter.

SumUp: Broccoli

That's right, broccoli. Makes as much sense as anything else. This is turning into a farce. I can't even see these people as characters any more, much less suspend disbelief and see them as real people. It's just a train wreck of bad ideas on a tumbling bridge of stupidity.

T.04.15 Tick Tock

In Which Stuff Continues To Happen That We Don't Care About

Jacob continues to patrol and send patrols. The Packs continue to converse with each other. Charlie and Renee have spoken to Bella, so that's moving somewhere.

In a nice moment, Rosalie makes Jacob a dog-dish that says FIDO on the side. It's funny. The fact that it is the highlight of the last few chapters makes me sad.

The baby is 4 days away. The vampires plan to try and get Charlie slightly informed in some roundabout way. Jacob thinks this is an idiotic idea. Jacob was the king of idiotic ideas until this book, so that's not a good sign.

We learn that Vampire babies claw their way out of their mothers. Of course, there's never been a vampire baby, so how do we know the sack/cage it's in doesn't crack open on it's own like an egg? Oh, they've been researching it. Guess Vampires have libraries somewhere with all the weird lore they've amassed. Rosalie informs us/them/whoever that no human mother has ever lived through the birth. So we have that to look forward to.

Also (HA!) they'll have to bite inward while the baby bites outward. Why the hell not.

SumUp F

This is a loose end chapter. We're dragging our way to the big double whammie of birth & vampirization and we've got to get all this crap situated beforehand. Meyer does this with her usual deft hand and subtle touch, by which I mean sledgehammer and spelling it out for us. I'm slipping into a funk, I can't bear this. I just don't care about any of this.

T.04.14 You Know Things...

In Which Meyer Wastes More Ink

The baby gives Alice headaches. When she sits near Jacob, they go away (because he blocks her telepathy). This is the only moment in this entire chapter that has any meat to it.

Fine.

• Jacob returns to the manor and Edward has left clothes for him. 
• Bella looks better.
• Bella cracks a rib
• Leah and Seth are doing patrols and the Vamps are trying to feed / clothe them
• Carlisle and Jacob discuss going out hunting so the manor is safe

There. Now you know.

SumUP: ALMOST NONE OF IT MEANS ANYTHING. 

There will be no vampire vs werewolf war at this point. Sorry, it isn't going to happen. I'm VERY much hoping that this Jacob & Alice thing turns into something, because it really was the only bright point in an otherwise tedious chapter of strategy for something that will never occur. There's also some Jacob & Leah buildup that I'm encouraged by. Meyer might actually have time to put together a romance with some kind of dramatic structure.

No, I'm not drunk.

T.04.13 Good Thing I've Got....

In Which Of Course It Works.

Page after page after page of Bella drinking blood and finally feeling better. Really better. Super fast. Why? I don't care. 4 page of setup. 3 pages of it working. blah blah blah.

Jacob finally leaves to a warning howl of the other werewolves in route. It's Jared, Paul, Quin and Colin as werewolves who want to parley. Jacob says they're not coming. Jared tries the family angle. Tells them Elders are trying to figure crap out. Jacob sends Leah to check the area and she reports all clear. Jared tries to convince Leah with some Sam talk, but that backfires. Embry is talking of switching sides, but he's mental-locked to Rachel, remember? So nothing changes.

It's fair stuff that basically highlights how awful much of the rest of these books have been. And it's pointless in regard to the ultimate climax of the book because we know baby vampire won't be a threat and the werewolves will all lub the baby and so forth because Meyer lacks the spine to set up any real drama.

SumUp; Waste of Time

Nothing is happening and yet dozens and dozens of pages are going by. Oh gods how I hate this book.

T.04.12 Some People Just...

In Which Meyer should have hired a Biologist

New arrival Leah is now in Jacob and Seth's heads. She's Seth's sister and has joined their pack. Why? She loves Sam, he's imprinted on Emily, she has to live in his head whenev she goes wolf, it sucks. Plus she's Seth's sis, so she's all protective.

There, saved you six tedious pages. The idea is great. It makes sense. Gods does it take forever to pry it out of Leah.

Leah fills them in: no attack is coming as Sam sort've figures out what the heck is going on. The new threesome dash off to fill the Carlisle in on the happs. This leads to a conversation about the medical situation of Vampires.

We learn Vamps have 25 chromosomes. You know why? I don't either. Neither does Meyer. It doesn't make sense biologically as you're born with 23 pairs and I assume that by 25 Carlisle means 25 pairs. Werewolves have 24. This means that human and vampire babies shouldn't be biologically possible. Or Human and Werewolf ones, for that matter. Do you grow extra pairs when you're bit? That makes no sense... you know what, she just stuck this in there as medical jargon and I don't care.

Edward is listening in and has an idea, if the baby is vamp, then it probably wants blood. So feed Bella blood and baby will be okay. Cue tons of setup. Cue Bella drinking blood (of unidentified type) through a straw. OH GOD WILL IT WORK?!?!?!?

SumUp C+

It isn't a bad chapter at first but all the stupid science drags it down. Why would Bella drinking blood help the baby? It'd go into her stomach and get processed, then into her intestines, then her  bloodstream, then through the (I assume) placental barrier and then into the baby. Why wouldn't the baby just tap into Bella's blood instead? It's so you can have a scene with Bella sipping Chateau du AB Positive from a straw, that's why.  I'm not even going to go into how blood banks work and why I can't see Carlisle having seven million units of whole blood on tap.

T.04.11 The Two Things...

In Which We Explore the Divine Bloodline of Werewolves

So the pack has agreed to start the blood-letting and starts to strategermize. Jacob tries to fight Sam on the plan and there's a fairly good part where Jacob resists the orders of the Alpha until Jacob finally breaks the command.

It's good stuff EXCEPT the only reason Jacob is able to break the link is because he's of royal werewolf blood. Seriously? So an evil pack Alpha couldn't be fought by pack members unless they're of superior stock? Why can't it be because Jacob is, you know, right about not wanting to do this? Or even just really against the idea? That seems like a vastly superior system: Alpha says lets go eat all the babies, members of the pack fight back with enough moral fiber to break his order-mindcontrol and suddenly they're no longer part of the pack or there's a new Alpha. Bad guy loses Alpha mantle and the pack isn't dragged around because somebody had "better" genes.

But no, it's because Jacob is of royal blood and so he essentially splits off. Sam expects a fight to be pack Alpha, which makes some kind of wolfish sense, but Jacob refuses. He breaks off and we get two different Alphas. As Jacob runs off to the Cullens, Seth appears in his brain and says he's changed packs. They both note that Sam is out of their head, which I guess makes sense. Sort of. I'd argue the logistics of this magic, but it's not worth it.

Jacob orders (but not orders) Seth to go home and he refuses. They're pack "B" now. Not wanting to use the brain-smack, Jacob gives up and they rush off to warn the Cullens that the other pack is en route. Jacob and Seth have a good, long conversation about the situation.

SumUp C-

Now that we're away from the vast, cuckolding conspiracy we get a fair insight into some Pack conversations. It's still silly telepathy and the order business sucks and the royal bloodline crap sucks, but I'm trying to focus on the positive. Jacob is much more interesting as a tactician and reluctant leader than as a sexual predator or third-wheel not-boyfriend and I guess the descriptions of the world aren't awful, but I wasn't paying attention. I give this chapter a C- because there are no angry scribbles in my notes and I didn't feel compelled to rip any pages out of this library book.

T.04.10 Why Didn't I...

In Which We Manufacture Danger

Jacob thinks this re-impregnating plan is futile.
Jacob further thinks this plan is a bit gross. What with Bella not being quite so alluring as a big, fat blob of non-virginal not-wolf. That's not what he says in his head, but I'm really barely hanging on at this point and I need to entertain myself, it seems.

They have a big ol' pow-wow and Bella tells Jacob that she plans to die in childbirth and get wahmpirzed as an out. Sort of a death-bed confession with less priest and more fangs. Oh, they don't have fangs.

Amazingly, Bella seems to think that this was a really romantic gesture on Eddy's part. I hope Mr. Meyer reads this and starts to wonder. Or maybe this is insight into their lives. I won't speculate any further.

Jacob leaves and goes wolfy. The Pack gets updated. The pack has a collective freak-out and decides that das baby is das abomination. Which I agree with, but for different reasons. Jacob is now suddenly in a lets-not-kill-vampires mood, what with seeing Bella all preggo and all. Sam isn't in the mood to discuss it. He plans to attack the Cullens and orders Jacob along for the bloodshed.

SumUp I don't even know how to rate this any more. Let's go with "G"

It really is going downhill. Jacob is suddenly the protector and not at all freaked out by the fact that Bella is WAAAY more el pregonanto than she has any business being. Sam switches from meh to sabre rattling in record time over what appears to be an entirely unique event in the history of vampire/werewolf history. Why? Dunno. Guess it's possible that vampy-baby could be the legendary super-werewolf slayer of lore that I just made up, or perhaps anything outside the norm (such as it is) turns Sam into a murderous baby killer.

But let's be crystal clear, this is just manufactured tension to get us to the ultimate showdown at the climax of this book. Remember back in book 2 when Edward told the story of vampire babies? That's the screw that this book will turn on, but we can't get there until Bella has the baby and even on this idiotic fast-forward pregnancy we're a bit away from that. SO we need something to keep the tension going and this Werewolf vs Vampire squabble is the fuel. It's nonsense, but since Meyer lacks the ability to move time forward using any tool except blank pages with months printed on them (book 2) we're going to have to live through the next few months. The fact that we're stuck in Jacob's head the whole time just makes it that much less appealing.

T.04.09 Sure as hell...

In Which The Circle Is Now Complete

Jacob heads home and meets Billy, who tells him not to confront yadda-yadda. Jacob pauses to consider this sage advice and decides it's would be a good idea to hang out and get the full dealio. No, of course he doesn't, he's the hot-head ex-boyfriend who's going to go.. er... something-something and boom, he's on his motorbike (so as to avoid the group mind of the wolves) and on his way to Vampire Manor.

Carlilse greets him at the door and Bella calls to tell him to enter. Jacob notes that Bella isn't a wahmpire (or any other sort of mystical being) and notes she's really sick. He notes Rosalie lurking in orbit and Bella stands for the big reveal: she's got all up and pregnant. Shocker.

Gods this is slow, though. I'm just not willing to drag it out for paaaaage after paaaage. We know she's pregnant, we were there. Shock Jacob and tell us what the hell is going on! This is all redundant nonsense.

Edward drags him outside and blah blah this is unbelievably tedious. Jacob wants to fight... I guess, and Edward isn't in the mood. He gives us the rundown (finally)

• Baby is killing Bella
• Bella won't let them kill it.
• Rosalie is the new bodyguard.
• The family is a bit split on this subject.
• Nobody has ever in the history of EVER heard of a Vamp/Human baby. Ever. Thousands of years and suchnot.

Edward wants Jacob to talk to Bella and convince her to get rid of this baby (wait for it) in exchange for ANOTHER baby that won't kill her. One clearly planted by good ol' Jacob. Yeah. That's the conversation this chapter ends with.

SumUP: WTF-

Hoooooooly Crap. The cuckolding of Edward is now complete. Edward is now ASKING, almost BEGGING Jacob to do the deed. Fantastic.And you know what? Jacob agrees. His POV suggests he's not expecting this to happen or anything, but regardless, here we are.

I'm just going to pause for a moment to take a breath. I honestly don't know what Meyer is saying at this point. Let's review this love triangle, shall we?

• Bella and Jacob form a manipulative, non reciprocal, codependent love triangle in Book 2
• Bella goes psycho and creates an Edward construct that emotionally abuses her
• Edward returns, and emotionally abuses her
• Jacob turns into a stalker, then sexually assaults Bella in book 3.
• Meyer manipulates Bella and Jacob into bed together
• ..... in front of Edward
• Bella then is manipulated into begging Jacob to kiss her
• Which he does, rather violently
• Wherein Bella realizes that she loved her assailant er Jacob all along. Go Stockholm Syndrome!

And here we are, adding another layer to an ugly, ugly cake.  I can only assume that this, right here right now is the climax of the series. This is the moment that Meyer has been building toward for three long novels, the second in which Edward begs Jacob to sleep with and impregnate his wife.

Think about it. Meyer clearly wants this scene to exist, look at how much work she put into making it. She has to have a reason for hubby to be an impossible father. Then she needs a back story to support the relationship. Then she needs a man so otherworldly that he can both forgive his wife AND have an eternity of some manufactured "true love" to share with her. You know what? This is the genius of Stephenie Meyer. I was wrong, so very wrong all this time!

Or she's just winging this without any character arcs mapped out and has some messed up ideas about romance and love. Byron's bunions... I am just amazed.

T.04.08 Waiting

In Which I'm not typing out all these idiotic chapter names.

Jacob is at home, trying to pick a fight with Paul, who, I'll remind you, has imprinted with Jacob's sister Rachel. Aside from making you a emotional robot, imprinting seems to work like weed because Paul is crazy mellow, man, and Jacob is totally harshing his TV slouching time. The real reason Jacob wants to tussle is to vent some frustration at the no-news he's getting from Bella and her scheduled wahperizationism. Jacob is imagining scenarios and whatnot and finally bails for the beach where Quil and his two year old fiancee Claire are playing pick-a-rock. It's a touching moment, or it would be if, well, you know.

Jacob asks Quil if he's planning on dating anyone while Claire is illegal to marry in every state and country on earth in the history of ever, but Quil's lobotomized brain can't fathom such silly concepts as dating anyone who isn't a toddler.

Yes, I am going to harp on this. This is the most repulsive idea in any mainstream media that I've ever encountered. I don't care how "big brother" this is portrayed, it's an emotional lobotomy combined with loving an infant. To go into any greater depth of depravity would require an disgusting imagination that I do not possess.

Sam howls to break up this little romantic beach game and Jake goes wolf and they get a big-ol' update on Mrs. Cullen. Bella is sick with some kind of "jungle rot" and so forth. Jacob goes berzerk, assuming the obvious, and Sam tries to convince him to stay put. Jacob is having none of that and trots off to kill Edward. I hope he does.

SumUp: D-
So we get some actual irony (Jacob thinking one thing that we know is not true), so that's somewhat interesting. It would be an actual point in Meyer's favor if this were the POV that we'd started with and she'd somehow communicated to the reader a point of information that Bella overlooked, or in any other way stuck to the limitations of first person perspective that she established through the first 3.5 books, but I digress.

Without scoring the already established horrorshow that is imprinting, this chapter starts well enough but it's just treading over dramatic territory that we've already covered. Jacob is a whiny, mopey baby when he doesn't get his way and the rest of the Wolf Pack is alternately psychotic and nosy. Why the pack isn't backing Jacob on what seems to be an obvious breach of their truce is glossed over and what we end up with is a boring retread of things long established and worn thin. Yawns between gagging over Claire & Quil

T.04.P2 Book 2 Prelude

In Which .... wait.. what?


Life sucks and then you die. Yeah, I should be so lucky.

That's the whole chapter, and since I'm doing this daily I'm just going to take some stock of the situation.

We're changing Point Of View.  

No kidding. Of 3 books and the first "book" of this double-book, we've moved away from Bella's point of view only once: in the epilogue of book 3. As with that switch, we're going to Jacob Black; the conniving, sex assaulting, third wheel, ex-boyfriend of Ms. Cullen nee Swan.
Ode de Joy.

Prior to the prologue we get a chapter lineup, so I assume Jacob will be giving us a new POV through the 11 chapters when Bella will be dealing with the icky pregnancy and birth stuff and that'd apparently be too boring seeing as she's the main focus of this series and Meyer lacks the skill (I have to assume) to carry a story from the POV of a bedridden *cough* protagonist.

Fine. Jacob it is. Why not Edward? Why not ALICE? She's reverted to a clothing obsessed tagalong. Why not Emmett or Jasper, to whom we've barely been introduced. How about Charlie? Imagine THAT perspective.

But no. It's Jacob, who suffered so much at the hands of Meyer in the last book. Jacob, who is only interesting when he's cuckolding Edward or assaulting/plotting to assault Bella.

I hate you, Stephenie Meyer.

T.04.07 Unexpected

In Which Unexpected = Lazy

Weeks pass. Boring dream sequence. Edward leaves the island to hunt, Bella wakes and makes some chicken, but it's rancid. Or she's having morning sickness. I give it half a page.

Bella finds "a blue box", which I assume is some kind of feminine hygiene product (love that vague euphemism) which inspires her to do a little date-math, which results in her realizing she's late. Oh, I mean LATE. You know, in that soap-opera tone you have to say "late". That was quick.

And her stomach is showing. (?!?!)
Her stomach is showing?
Right, so they start arguing/discussing and Alice calls and they talk to Carlisle and Bella is pregnant. REALLY pregnant.

Now a little internet research reveals the "fruit scale" for pregnant ladies.

•   12 weeks a fetus is the size of a plum. 
•   16 = apple. 
•   20 = grapefruit.

This puts Bella at 20 weeks pregnant, which either takes us back to waaaay before the wedding or Meyer has vampire babies grow at some astonishing rate. Bella insists it's the latter and they start to plan their evacuation.

Hey, it's the cleaning staff. Guess who knows Bella's all preggo? Right, That Kaure lady. Wow, that's going to make for great fireside stories back at the mainland. She's also peeved at Edward and they have a page of conversation that we don't get to understand because Edward doesn't bother to translate. At the end, she tells Bella she's doomed to die (or something). Edward insists they'll "take care of it" and Bella figures out what he means by that.

Before they leave, Bella calls Rosalie.

SumUpD

Bella is pregnant and it's going to go by fast. Why? Because Meyer doesn't want to deal with it, I assume. Now I could be wrong, but I'm betting we get the fast-forward pregnancy and fast-growing baby so we can get to the point where Bella's superbaby appears and shows us all how wonderful it is to have kids, minus all the problems that real pregnancies involve and real babies inevitably bring. None of that for us, though, it's going to be a few weeks of life-threatening baby-growing and a big, ugly birth and vampirization for mommy. Ugh.

But I can't score on what might happen, I have to score on what did:  The Rosalie ending is great, the rest is pure crap. This is the big pregnancy reveal? Morning sickness and a magic bulge? Crazy local lady whispering doom in a language we don't understand? Yeesh.

T.04.06 Distractions

In Which Bella Wants the Sex

Bella wants more sex. Edward doesn't.

To distract her, we get different island activities. Or we're TOLD there are island activities, there's very little description involved. Bella can't even user her favorite negotiating & bartering tactic to get Edward interested. She offers more human time, he ends the debate, she falls asleep. I will admit this was the best negotiating session they've had yet.

Bella has a dream, wakes up. Edward comforts her. She seduces him.

This time there's less personal injury, more property destruction.

The the cleaning crew arrives. Really? Edward just lost all his romantic points, why would you even bother with a cleaning crew in the middle of a honeymoon?  Send them in afterward, you only have to stock enough food for Bella, genius.

Oh, I see. The woman knows that Edward is a vampire, in keeping with the whole "low profile" thing and rule about not telling anyone that vampires exist or generally protecting yourself from extinction.

So Kaure, the lady cleaner, is afraid of or for Bella. Or both. Whatever. This will come into play when Bella gets all pregnant or something. Maybe they'll go to her for herbs or lore. It's very convenient. She leaves and the newlyweds get back to the point of this chapter: impregnating Bella.

SumUp C

This is a mediocre chapter that establishes even further that Vampire/Human sex is not only possible but really great in every possible way. Got to get the readers worked up and misty eyed, I suppose. Ignore all that stuff we said earlier and the fact that more Vamp/Human interspecies couples don't exist, Bella is special after all.

T.04.05 Isle Esme

In Which We Have The Most Awkward Honeymoon Ever

Bella and Edward leave for parts unknown via jet and we get a travelogue of Bella sleeping en route to Houston, Rio and a boat ride to some island off the Brazilian coast. It's romantic, to be sure, but the journey is dull and Meyer has given up on her descriptive skills again.

The island? It's jungle and palms. That's it.
The hosue? Big. White. Glass windows. Big beds. That's the extent of that.

Edward heads for the water, which is right outside the door. Wait, didn't hey just walk inland? Maybe it's a lagoon or lake or something.

So Bella is nervous, and Meyer manages to present her fidgeting and preparation competently. Bella showers, debates clothing, finally heads out to the water where she meets up with Edward in a skinny dip moment that fades tastefully to black.

After 3 books of dodging sex due to the unfathomable risk, Bella wakes up felling just fine. Now I've read a bit out there on the blogsphere about Bella getting knocked out in this honeymoon rendezvous, but that's not supported in the text. Bella seems to have some foggy memories of the evening, but nothing outrageous. Instead we get a brief description of a few bruises and bumps and the most tedious non-argument I've had to suffer through in a few dozen chapters.

• Ed is upset
• Bella doesn't get it
• Ed doesn't get why she doesn't get it, "How badly are you hurt?"
• Bella figures out the bruises, downplays it
• Edward gets ready to put his foot down on the whole honeymoon
• Bella insists she feels no pain and is fine

Blah blah blah blah blah

So Bella is hurt but either doesn't really know how badly or being clumserella has high after-injury pain threshold and selective memory or...  
  wait for it...
      it wasn't that bad.

Like the blood lust in the first book. Like James being dangerous. Like Edward being too far to reach. Like the big newborn battle. Like every other bit of conflict and tension we've ever been presented with.

But I digress. She's bruised and sore. He's a sorehead. Cue SEVEN PAGES OF THEM ARGUING about this.

• Edward can't understand Bella's attitude. 
• Bella doesn't get Edward's latest bout of martyrdom. 
• Edward thinks it was a huge mistake. 
• Bella takes it personally.

UGH. Finally we find out the worst of it, from Bella's point of view: all the feathers in her hair.
Edward vetoes any more sex.

SumUp D

Boring travelogue. Good nervousness. Lack of descriptions. TIRESOME argument.

Again, this is classic Meyer. Build something up as impossible and risky, then diffuse. Work your way to the grand climax, then bog it down in arguments and debate. This is another climax (no pun intended), the ultimate consummation of all that touching and hugging and pulling back at the last minute physical contact from the first 3 books. This chapter is the payoff for all that buildup and, like the wedding, like the newborn battle, like the ballet studio, like the square in Italy, it's undermined and flattened by Meyer.

Also, I'm off the hook for predicting a possible sex injury requiring a vampire conversion scene. Now I know that Bella is pregnant and we can look forward to the Volturi wanting to kill her baby.

T.04.04 Gesture

In Which The Reception is Boring as Well

So the wedding was awful from a literary perspective. How's the reception? Dull.

Bella meets and greets and dances and it's just tedious! The new vamps appear and they're exactly what you'd expect. Bella dances. Fastforward to Cake. Fastforward to bouquet. Fastforward to more dancing. What's the rush?

There's a good bit where Edward is mind-reading Mike and not liking it.
There's a horrible bit where Edward points out that Bella hasn't seen herself in her dress.

Really? Seriously? What planet is this again?

Whatever, finally we get to see a wedding dress. You know what? I'm a guy and I'm curious. Aren't teen girls going to want paragraphs about it? Maybe that's sexist, but we get 2 whole sentences as Bella checks her reflection in a window.Yeesh.

Jacob arrives and they have the most tedious conversation thus far and then dance. Bella reveals her honeymoon plans and Jacob freaks out. It's moronic. Jacob is technically right on this one, at least from what we've been told over and over and over. Bella is a moron for revealing this tidbit and the other werewolves have to drag him off so Edward doesn't.... I don't know, tussle with him? We've no reason to think it would be an easy fight and Meyer sure as hell isn't going to give us any action.

Finally, Edward and Bella say their farewells and we get the only well-described, well-paced, believable moments in this train wreck. The final few paragraphs are touching, but it's much too little too late.


SumUp D

D is for DULL. Dull, dull, dull, dull, dullards and dullness and yawn fest duhhhh.





I'm not naming or tagging guests. They weren't really there, they were window dressing for a boring little play.

Again, Meyer has a chance here to break out the descriptive machine gun and she balks. There's ample opportunity to explore Bella's feelings after the ceremony but it's all simple and flat and lifeless until the very end. Why is Jacob torturing himself? We don't know. Why is Bella revealing her future sex life to Mr. Third Wheel Ex-Boyfriend? No clue. Another at-bat for Ms Meyer and she's watching all the literary pitches slowly drift past the plate. Maybe she put all her effort into the climax of the book... or the honeymoon.

T.04.03 Big Day

In Which Bella Gets Married. Apparently.

So here we are. Another climax, another chance to make Bella stand out. Another chance to thrill the reader and what do we get?
The worst wedding I've ever read about.

Bella wakes up, chats with Charlie and is picked up by Alice. She's blindfolded and taken upstairs where they get her ready.

So no description of the house. No description of the place where the big, climactic wedding ceremony will take place. We've no idea what it looks like yet. Instead, we get a smell. That's actually a good thing if we get a big description later, let's find out.

Bella gets her hair & makup & dress. We then get descriptions OF EVERYONE ELSE'S OUTFITS. We get Renee's, we get Charlie's, we get Alice and Rosalie of all people! We get half a sentence about Bella's buttons, a single-word description of her garter and a pair of blue hair combs.

So, big entrance. Bella is distracted and nervous, which is the only reason I can imagine Meyer not describing the room at all. Honestly. She mentions tons of flowers and says there are some chairs. Great, chairs. One assumes people are sitting in them, but you'd have to assume. She doesn't bother to tell us who's there other than Edward and Charlie. We get a short version of the ceremony and a few sentences from Bella about how she feels and it's over. We cut to the reception in the next chapter, but every word telling us about the wedding after Bella gets dressed is done with in 3 pages.

SumUp F

I'm honestly in shock. This is a climactic moment, a moment the reader has been waiting for since the first chapter of the first book. Meyer doesn't have to describe action or conflict or tension, she doesn't have to resolve any problem or tension. This is a place where descriptive fluff can be ladled on with abandon. We want it, give it to us! Meyer can do descriptions, I've seen it. Meyer can do conversation, I've read it.  So why, why, why does she lock Bella down to the point where she can't tell us anything about her own wedding!?

By the way, has any bride in the history of modern weddings NOT looked at herself in her wedding dress?
 
Yes, Edward fills her vision. Yes, it's a narrator with a singular focus. But even if we accept her blindness during the march that doesn't mean she can't look around AFTER the kiss! If Meyer had to have Bella fixed in this tunnel-vision, why not break it then? Why not describe the relief, the thrill of the moment? Have Bella tell us the faces she sees? the room, suddenly revealed? SOME bit of visual information for the reader? She has a license to go on for pages and pages about the gorgeous decor, the amazing faces, the joy Bella feels. Instead, it's all blind, stumbling, boring Bella trying to not collapse in the mysterious fog and then woosh! reception.

Inexcusably lazy.

T.04.02 Long Night

In Which We Learn The Threat Of The Book

So Bella and Edward are making out in her room filling us in on the last 3 books (ugh..) while waiting for Emmett and Jasper to take Ed to his bachelor party. This involves killing animals, which is pretty much what he does every weekend. Maybe they put stripper outfits on the mountain lions.

Edward tells a long story about Vampire babies, in which he reveals two big things: he wants babies & vampire babies are bad.

The idea is that vampires created toddler vampires, which locked them into the mindset and physical form of toddlers. They also gain some magical lovey powers so nobody wants to kill them even though they're locked in the terrible twos with super powers forever and ever. The Volturi have outlawed this practice and apparently enforce it more than the "don't tell anyone about vampires" rule.

So.
In case you missed the hammer of foreshadowing: Bella & Edward are going to have a half-vampire baby. The Volturi are going to find out and come try to kill it, even though it's not a vampire baby but just a half-vampire baby, which I'm sure is different in ways that Meyer will explain. I suspect it'll be more human than vampire, but I don't really care since this is the last book and it'll end on the big battle and the future of the baby is immaterial.

To drive home the point, Edward informs us/Bella that the Alaska connection also has a history with vampire babies and Tanya and her sisters lost their mother over one.

Edward leaves with Emmett and Jasper. Bella goes to sleep and we get an awful dream sequence that I'm ignoring on principle.

SumUp C-

Bad foreshadowing.
Tedious retelling of backstory.
Blatantly obvious conflict point.

I just don't care. Get married. Have the baby and get on with it. This book is supposed to be the climax of Bella and Edward's romantic relationship (Marriage), physical relationship (Honeymoon), Vampire nonsense (Conversion) and wrap up the Volturi (big fight at the end). This is necessary enough for the baby conflict, but it's told so poorly and slowly that I don't CARE, I just want some kind of forward momentum to develop!

T.04.01 Engaged

In Which Bella Drives A Tank

Bella gots a tank-car for her engagement and is tooling through Forks in it. It's some kind of armored luxury supercar that Sultans and Drug Knigpins drive, but Edward got her one so she wouldn't snuffit before the big impregnation scene (spoiler). Local teens are impressed, which I guess is remotely possible but would make more sense if it were an actual exotic supercar and not some bomb-proof behemoth.

Fine, whatever. Jacob has gone AWOL after the last book. Bella and the werewolves and Bill know he's in Canada, so I guess everyone else is letting Charlie worry like crazy for no reason. Nicely done.

Edward & Bella visit Charlie for the big engagement announcement. Charlie assumes she's preggers (not yet!) then gets mad, then passes the buck to Renee. Wow. Renee isn't surprised at all, she was under the impression that they'd been secretly engaged since the Florida Vacation in the last book. Double Wow. All that build up and we get a typical Meyer anti-climax. Thanks, Meyer!

Jump forward to wedding outfit fitting for Charlie. No clue how much time has passed, one assumes a week or two.

Bella gets her dress, Alice is bubbly, Bella is mopey and thinking about Edward lovin.

SumUp C-

There's jumpy timing and the chapter is essentially endless Bella pining for Edward amid sparse information about the nuptials. Why is Bella so distracted? Even with wedding jitters, why can't we get a decent description of anything? Why is Charlie so pathetic here? This is supposed to be the build up to one of the most important moments in the book: the wedding! The climax of their relationship! And yet we're given scarce details, no friends calling, no rushed last-minute details, no girl-talk or help from dad or anything. It's a big rush to get us there, I suppose.

Bella is her typically useless self, this time turning over every nuance of the wedding to Alice and Edward. She's in neutral, as usual, even with the culmination of all her desires slowly working it's way into reality.