T.04.00 Preface Prologue Prelude Prechapter

The preface for Book 4 is the same as the preface for book 1: Bella being converted to Vampire or dying. It doesn't matter, it's half a page long.

And here we are, Book 4. And it's a monster. I guess Meyer has a lot of threads to pull together and ... no, wait.. not really.

1. Bella becoming a vampire
2. The Voltouri
3. The baby

From the last book we know Bella will get married. We know she's arranged the traditional honeymoon activities, which will lead to baby which will lead to conflict with the Italian royal vampires. Meyer has spelled this out. Why this is going to take 80 chapters (or whatever this monster contains) is a mystery, but that's going to be the plot.

At the start of Book 3 I was depressed about diving in. This time I'm seeing the light at the end of a long tunnel. I also possess a morbid, masochistic curiosity about how Meyer will try and hurt me anymore. Can there really be much left? I'm sure the long pregnancy and whatever suffering will be tiresome, but there has to be something to really kick me in the brain. Yeah, I know there's some kind of weirdism at the birth scene, but I'm guessing it's only disturbing if you overlook the ideas we already take for granted. Vampires eat blood, animal or otherwise, and they're technically dead. I've had enough Biology to not feel squeamish about some medical challenges in birthing baby vampires.

Long, deep breath.

So, how will the Cullens defeat the Italians? Big conflict? Long, rational debate? Winner take all checkers? I'm guessing Bella or baby will be some sort of super vampire. Her mental blockade plus her maternal instinct will let her kill the vamps with abandon.

No, that would be exciting to read about. I'll bet it's a HUGE build up to a giant letdown, just like every other book thus far.

Anyway, no more guessing.
After book 3 I took a long sabbatical into the wilds of decent literature. I read some Pynchon to clear the mind because nothing forces everything out of your brain like trying to get through a sentence written by Thomas Pynchon. I also read "Summerland" by Chabon and the last of the Hitchhiker's guide books by Colfer, which was much better than I hoped it might be. My excuse for all this reading was that "Breaking Dawn" was lingering in my library queue until someone (hey, no judgments from me) returned it. Thankfully, the self-checkout machine at the library was working, so I didn't have to hand the book over to one of the blue-haired volunteers. Now, however, I'm either going to have to work my way into Chapter 1 or give up on this quest.

By the way, given that I'm well ahead of the time curve and looking at the girth of this beast, I'm now posting EVERY SINGLE WEEKDAY. That's right. 5 times a week with wild abandon A New Year of Twilight. Take that.

I will not be defeated.
I have made it this far.
I will survive.
Gods of literature, sustain me.

Twilight Saga: Eclipse SumUp

SumUp Total: F

Three down, one to go.
Really, that effectively sums it all up thus far. I've persevered through 3/4ths of this cluttered mess of literary daydreaming and I count that as an accomplishment. If I slog through the final quarter will I learn anything new? Care about any of these characters? Will I actually be entertained? Can I put this on my resume?

No. But I will read it anyway.

As with the other books, the beginning of the novel manages to almost convince me that there's a story somewhere. The characters hint at growth, the plot peeks in every once in a while to suggest forward progress and there's even a few entertaining moments. That will all be firmly dashed against the rocks of reality when things must happen and Meyer once again destroys everything that she's managed to set up.

The GOOD:
The first half of the book, at least in certain parts. The love triangle is tiresome and drags for an eternity, but it gives Meyer a platform to have interesting conversations, emotional outbursts (not really growth, but still) and some real conflict. There's also the Rosalie backstory, the history of the Werewolves and the Jasper backstory. Yeah, it's BOOK 3, but I'm grasping for anything of interest in the morass of this idiotic love triangle. The Rosalie store especially gives us a tangible reason for the character's actions to this point. Better late than never.

The BAD:
The love triangle has been going on since the beginning of the second book and has been boring since the beginning of this one. Edward left and there was a reason to go on about it up to the end of that book, but we're now at the END of Book 3 and it's still going on. Jacob's first sexual assault was morally repulsive, but it made for realistic drama. The results of that attack, though, are disgusting. Charlie becomes a lecherous old man cheering on the exploits of his preferred son in law. Jacob is smug. Edward is insanely forgiving.

The UGLY
Hang on.

• The "she really wanted it" revelation. Hooooly moley.
• The endless damsel in distress of Bella. For THREE BOOKS.
• The constant undermining of Bella as a protagonist.
• The INFURIATING refusal to SHOW us the climactic battle.
• The manipulative nature of Bella.
• The manipulation of the reader by putting Jacob and Bella into bed together. 
• The ridiculous "dreaming" so Meyer can avoid the rules of first person perspective.

The REPUGNANT
Imprinting as an idea is horrifying enough. Adding toddlers to the mix is sick. There's no other word for it. Gods.

SumUP: F
The book is endless love triangle arguments and negotiation, Jacob vs moron Edward and when we finally get a climax, Meyer just can't resist hamstringing Bella. This was a chore.

T.03.27 Needs AND T.03.28 Epiloge - Choice

T.03.27 In Which We're Nearly Done

Bella leaves La Push and breaks down crying, so Edward drives her home. Charlie is worried, Bella tells him she dumped ol' Jake and heads upstairs. She has a good long girly cry and looks back on her wretched, miserable existence and ... I don't know, reconciles with herself or something.

So that settled, they go see Bella's wedding gown. Alice is all atwitter with wedding plans. They head out to the meadow to discuss the wedding (August 13th, if you care) and they figure out the details and invites.

Edward offers to give her what she wants (the sex) but she backs down. Which is a first, I think. She wants to do things in the "right order", so we don't get any of that naughty premarital stuff.

Then they head off to tell Charlie about the wedding.

SumUp: C

The best part is Bella almost taking responsibility for her horrible life. Baby steps, I guess. The rest is just fluff and the premarital dodge is just annoying, Meyer is changing her character's goals to satisfy her conservative agenda or not offend someone. Lovely.


T.03.27 In Which We Change POV

For the first time in 77 chapters we get to see someone else's point of view. It's still first person (Jacob, this time) and still straightforward narrative. I didn't know what the heck was happening at first, I've become stuck in Bella's brain for so long.

Jacob gets Bella's wedding invitation (actually, Edward sends it) and is quite annoyed. Being a werewolf, he's stuck in the pack mind and has to listen to everybody else if he wants to run as a wolf. It's annoying for him and me. The worst is Leah, who's been torturing the pack with her lovesick adoration of Sam.

There's a nice touch where Sam orders everyone to go human so Jacob can be alone in his misery as a wolf. If I liked Sam or Jacob, that'd have helped, but I'll take what I can get.

SumUp: B

It's good stuff. It's too short. It's Jacob, who I don't really like anymore and it's a new POV. There's all the same flaws as before, and switching first person POVs in a book is rarely a good idea. As an Epilogue, though, I'll let it slide and take it for what it is. The cynic in me wants to say that Meyer couldn't figure out a way to do this without cheating, so she took the only other option. I hope I'm just jaded, though.

I also hope the next book tries something new. I doubt it will, but I'm really tired of seeing the world through Bella's eyes.

T.03.26 Ethics

In Which We Attempt A Denouement

Bella is worried about Jacob. You know, the guy who sexually assaulted her and then lied about committing suicide so he could do it again? Yeah, him. He got all hurt. Luckily he's a werewolf, so he heals quickly. Even more lucky, he's a major character in a book in which no major characters ever die, so he's probably going to make it.

First, Bella gets some info out of Alice about her future vampirism. Alice says it's all green lights.
Then, she visits Charlie who regales her with fishing stories and Jacob's injury alibi: motorcycle accident.
On her way out the door to visit Jacob, Charlie asks her to promise that she won't run off and do anything like get married. Guess he saw the script.

So, Jake, how's it going.
Jacob is wondering how well Edward took to Bella's infidelity and is disappointed to find out that Eddy was just fine with it. Jacob thinks it's part of Edward's game plan, I think Edward is a doormat. Jake feels bad about the whole "suicide" thing, Then they fake fight and make up or something.

I just don't care. I don't like these people and this idiotic resolution to their problems is a pile of dung that I'm not going to pick through and analyze anymore. It boils down to Jacob thinking he's right for Bella and telling her that Edward is like a drug. Then they debate how they'll stay friends when she lacks a pulse.

End Scene.

SumUp: I don't care anymore. This book has broken me. You know what? C

Middle of the road C. There's nothing awful IN this chapter, but it's just trying to drag the characters out of the swamps they've sunk into. There's no quick fix huggy and it all goes away moment that can fix this. Gods, there's still a chapter left. Nothing happens, nothing breaks, this chapter is nothing. Merry Christmas.

T.03.25 Mirror

In Which We Find Out How Much We Missed

Edward talks Bella down, again thinking she's all crazy scared of his battle fury or something. It's really drawn out. Then (as mentioned last chapter) we find out that Sam was just fine, you didn't need to cut yourself to save him, silly girl. You're sooo silly.

Oh, and Jacob got all hurt, so assuming anyone still gives a damn about Jacob, you should be really worried.
OH and the Volturi are here.

Right. So Jake is on his way back to La Push to heal and the werewolves aren't too interesting in meeting Vampire Royalty. It must have been a really awesome battle, though, because Jasper got all bit and there's a pile of dead newborns and they even managed to capture one: Bree. She's actually interesting, don't get attached though.

So it's Jane, Felix and two other unknown vampires along with Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper. They discuss Bella's lack of vampire traits (we're working on it!) and the crazy awesome battle we didn't get to see where they killed 18 newborns. Jane interrogates Bree about Victoria and the rest, then kills her. Carlisle and the others try to talk her out of it, but rules is rules dontcha know.

SumUp D-

Jane is suitably menacing and clearly the villain for the next book. Big yawn until the next book then.
Bree is very interesting and would be a great dramatic arc, but nope she snuffs it.
The drama with Jacob is clearly false, you know he's going to survive.
Crazy awesome battle might as well not have happened, the only Cullen injury is Jasper, who has a new scar. Wow, that was close.

So what we get is yet another anti-climax. None of this feels exciting and everything resolves so simply and cleanly that you hardly notice. You know what would have been dramatic? Keeping Bree alive as a side plot. Having someone in the family actually DIE. Killing a werewolf. ANYTHING but showing up AFTER the battle to see the boring results.

What do we get? An inventory. Imagine a WWII movie where a soldier just tells you how many Nazis his unit killed without taking any real damage. How very exciting.

T.03.24 Snap Decision

In Which I Just Don't Really Understand Anymore Why This Is Happening

Edward returns to find a miserable Bella. He's covered in Jacob's blood and has broken off the engagement so they can figure out what the hell they're...

No. I'm just kidding. Jacob is off wherever and Edward comes back and is calmly reassuring Bella that she didn't do anything wrong.

Really.
No I'm serious this time.

Oh, and Jacob wasn't really going to try and kill himself. That was a lie. To get a kiss from an emotionally fragile and engaged girl. So if you are harboring even the tiniest bit of empathy for Jacob, that should just about do it.

"You're only human", Edward assures her.
"You love him"

Bella gets mad at Edward's insane self-sacrifice and refusal to be bothered by this whole infidelity thing, so she throws herself at him sexually. He refuses, rightly actually, because it would make Jacob the reason for their first time together.

Instead, we get Edward's play-by-play to the fight via his psychic connection.
Yeah, you know, the climax to this book.
We don't get to read about the battle, we get to hear Edward tell Bella about the battle. Which is mostly his reactions to things that happen and him sort-of cheerleading people who can't hear him. It takes 3 pages or so.

Thankfully, we're spared any real excitement because Victoria has actually found Bella's trail and is on her way to them.
Victoria! Remember her? Really? I bet you just think you remember her.
She hasn't appeared in the flesh since Chapter 18 of the first book.
Seriously. That scene after the baseball game? That was it. That was the single time she's appeared in the saga and that was 55 chapters ago.

But she's here now, right? So It's Victoria and some blond newborn named Riley versus Edward (Seth left back in the idiotic understanding section).

Edward starts by trying to undermine Riley, telling him that Victoria is using him. Apparently she has the sex appeal powerup, so that's not going to work. To even the odds, then, Sam the lead Werewolf shows up and tackles Riley to the ground.

The fight is actually rather well done. Sam must gruesomely remove parts from Riley to incapacitate him while Edward is constantly keeping himself between Victoria and Bella. Edward keeps baiting Victoria, Sam keeps shredding Riley until the boy gets in a solid kick and sends the wolf into a rock.

And here, we finally get our third wife foreshadow resolution. Edward is distracting Victoria but Sam is hurt. Riley changes targets and Bella has to act: taking a sharp rock, she cuts herself. Go Bella!

Riley and Victoria are immediately distracted. Edward sends Victoria into a tree and then attacks Riley. Victoria recovers and tries to attack Bella, only to get hit with Riley's severed arm by Edward (nice). Sam has recovered enough to fight and attacks the injured Riley while Edward chases and kills Victoria, who has attempted to escape.

SumUp F-

Wait?! (you scream) Why F-? Well, I'm going to break a longstanding rule of my reviews to tell you something that shows up 6 pages into the next chapter because it directly affects this one.

First, here's the chapter by point:

• Edward and Bella have a fight about how patient and understanding Edward is about Bella's blatant infidelity. (BAD)
• Jacob is revealed to be a horrible, disgusting individual. (BAD)
• The gigantic, exciting fight that we've been building up to happens (again) OFF THE PAGE (REALLY BAD)
• We finally get back to Victoria and have a big battle  (GOOD)
• Bella finally does something useful.

SO of the five things, three are horrible and two are good, right?
And Bella = taking charge of her destiny and helping in the climactic battle = good, right?

No, Bella = not actually helping. We will discover 6 pages into chapter 25 that Sam was faking his injury to get Riley to focus on Bella so he could attack. Sam was just fine, Bella didn't help in the least.

Why, Stephenie Meyer? Seriously, why? What possible reason could you have to undermine your protagonist time and time again? I've accepted that you're going to build up to a climax and then do everything in your literary power to deflate it, you've done that in every book. But this hatred of your heroine... this is truly extraordinary. You took all the time to set up some useful foreshadowing AND gave Bella the idea AND had her boyfriends try to keep her from doing it AND blocked an entire situation where she could finally help AND realistically portrayed the scene. WHY are you going to shatter all that with such a stupid twist? If you wanted to keep from deflating Seth, a FOURTH STRING CHARACTER, just toss in another newborn. Have him injured by Victoria while he's trying to fight two at a time. Why can't Bella be more than a stupid, bumbling damsel for ten seconds in your universe?!? Why do you hate her SO much?

So we get the continued destruction of Edward as a believable character.
We get the final, disturbing destruction of Jacob as a sympathetic character.
We have the ongoing whine-fest and newfound infidelity of Bella
We have yet another climactic event taking place that Meyer can't be bothered to show us
We get Bella growing a spine and then finding out it was a counterproductive waste of energy.

Versus a good fight with Victoria and Riley, neither of whom we have any reason to care about in the least.

I really, really don't understand.

T.03.23 Monster

In Which I Lose All Remaining Respect For Bella, Jacob and Edward

Bella wakes up (take a shot). Edward evicts Jacob about 5 hours too late and they scuffle a bit. Jacob leaves.

So... how to describe this. Edward starts to sweet talk Bella and they discuss their "ten best nights". Why? Because Jacob is still within earshot and Edward is taking off the gloves in this battle for Bella. When Bella mentions the engagement as a winner, Jacob howls in the distance. She didn't know he was there. Edward did. She realizes this.

Now honestly, this is pretty hardcore on Edward's part and I was cheering for him. After the night he stupidly tolerated, though, it makes him look really petulant and vindictive rather than ... whatever he's supposed to be. His argument that Jacob "deserved to know" is pathetic, he wanted to stab Jacob in the heart and he clearly picked the biggest knife he could find.

Bella gets all weepy about "hurting Jacob", which is true, but not for the reasons she goes on and on and on about. You're engaged lady. You're going to marry someone other than Jacob and you know how he feels. You've been teasing and leading him on and dragging this crap out for months! After the forced kiss in chapter 15, you're just downright heartless, stupid and cruel for doing nothing. So congratulations on losing your humanity before losing your humanity.

Bella turns the self-pity up three notches so Edward heads out to recover Jacob. Maybe when he gets back they can take turns kissing her. Maybe they'll figure out her top 10 most manipulative moments. Seth has shown up at some point (I'm not going to reread this crap and figure out when) and starts to get antsy until Jacob finally gets back. Supposedly there's something going on somewhere, but Meyer is determined not to show us what that is.

For unexplained (and likely unexplicable) reasons, Edward takes Seth off into the woods and leaves Jacob and Bella alone.
They argue
Jacob essentially says he's going to kill himself in the battle.
Bella goes all weepy and offers him anything to stay with her.

Really? Seriously, Bella / Meyer? This is where this chapter is going? There's a FIGHT going on between 10 Werewolves and 6 or so Vampires against Twenty newborns and maybe Victoria and this is what we're going to do? We're going to play spin the bottle with Jacob and Bella (the engaged) dozens of miles away? This is a steaming mountain of horse crap.

Jacob wants a kiss.
Bella gives it to him.
It's not good enough.
They kiss some more.

"Jacob was right... I was in love with him, too."
Wow. So cue the romantic music while Bella cheats on her psychic fiancee.

Bella and Jacob make out for a bit and then Jacob heads off to fight.
If you're hearing a rhythmic banging sound, check to see if you're banging your head against a desk and groaning in mental torment.That's what I figured out it was. It didn't relieve the pain.

SumUp F-

It's odd to have no respect left for a book and then to have it surprise you with something done this poorly.

This is obviously supposed to make the love triangle more poignant or get the readers in a Jacob frenzy or some other damn thing. Mission not accomplished. There's a mental movie Bella has of a happy life with Jacob as they make out. This is, of course, after spending the night with him and her boyfriend and while her "best friend" is planning her wedding. Am I supposed to buy any of this? Why wasn't this back in Book 2 when they were actually sort-of-dating? Do you know how great the love triangle might have been THEN? When it, you know, sort of made sense to have your protagonist narrator forming a lifelong relationship with the other dude because the loveofherlife had dumped her for her own good??

But no, Meyer is forcing this to happen at the climax of the next book, which I'll point out again is happening WHERE WE CAN'T SEE IT.

If we can't have Bella figuring out her love for Jacob while they're actually together, wouldn't it make sense to have Bella realizing thes feelings while he is clearly in danger? Like having the fight going on where our CAMERA INTO THIS UNIVERSE is actually standing? Instead, we get yet another sexual assault. Jacob threatens to KILL HIMSELF and Bella desperately tries to stop him. He demands a kiss. So add sexual blackmail and emotional abuse. Wow. Once upon a time I liked Jacob. Now he's a lowlife dirtbag. Well done, Meyer.

Amazingly enough, I don't even know if this horror show of an emotional epiphany would even make my top 10 horrible things in this book. I had a list. It made me angry to look at it so I got rid of it. Maybe I was hasty...

So far, each book has had two utterly reprehensible chapters in a row. In Book 1 it was the climax. In Book 2 it was the return from Italy, although the climax of that book almost got 3 in a row. Maybe we'll have a new record. Stay tuned

T.03.22 Fire and Ice

In Which Bella Sleeps With Jacob


SumUp F-

Yeah, straight to SumUp because this is some hardcore BS manipulation by Meyer to create a situation where Bella and Jacob sleep in the same sleeping bag while Edward the cuckold looks on. This is moronic on every. single. conceivable. LEVEL AAAAGH  @#$%^&

Remember a whole chapter ago when Alice warned them it was snowing in the mountains? Remember the fact that Bella works at a sporting supply store and that the Cullens are stocked to the rafters with camping gear? Because we start the chapter with Bella freezing to death in a tent at two in the morning. Nobody packed a winter sleeping bag or a heater or heat packs or any of the thousands of other items you can buy to camp in the cold. Hey Edward, a propane tent heater costs less than 100 bucks. They also have these little chemical-packs that produce heat for a few hours. They cost a dollar each. Instead of buying that new motorcycle, you could have bought a few thousand and your girlfriend wouldn't be freezing to death in front of you. You could have built a mattress out of them. With barely a hiccup in your family fortune you could have constructed an IGLOO out of heating packs and cans of Sterno.

Oh, and Edward is afraid to breathe on her. You don't breathe, idiot. Maybe if the author was keeping note instead of setting up this ludicrous situation to get Jacob and Bella into bed together.

But the Cullens don't have to worry about the cold, so they'd forget. No, no they wouldn't. They don't take tents on their hunts, I'd wager. They don't sleep, remember? So if they're going to sit down and figure out what Bella needs on Mount Iceberg, the tent is just the first of a dozen things they'd have to remember. Why pack a crap sleeping bag if Alice knew and told them it was going to be freezing? If they're buying camping gear, they at least have to understand the mechanics so they don't buy idiotic gear. These people are supposed to LOVE this girl and they sent her into the snow with flip-flops and silk sheets?

So Jacob shows up with a PARKA and climbs into the tent. Obvious plan A: have him wear the parka for a minute and then put it on her. Problem solved. Plan B: Have him climb into the sleeping bag WITHOUT Bella and warm it up. Plan C: Go werewolf an lay next to her when you're not a shirtless teenager. Or a hundred other ways he could warm the tent without climbing into bed with her.

But that's not what Meyer wants. She wants a shirtless Jacob to climb into bed with Bella so they can cuddle while Edward watches. It's ridiculous in the extreme. Meyer schemed to set this up. Period. This isn't something the characters would have done, Meyer wanted the readers to coo and giggle about Jacob sleeping with Bella, so she constructed a flimsy and transparent plot to make it happen. All respect I might have had for this series has long since left, but I really wasn't that far into outright hatred and loathing. I just moved a few notches in that direction, though.

Once we've established the sex scene, we move on to cheating the narrative. I complained bitterly about Meyer cheating the First Person Narrator with things like Psychic powers, but now we go even further. While Bella is dozing, Edward and Jacob have a long conversation. Meyer wants the reader to hear this conversation, but Jacob and Edward are never going to have it in front of Bella. So what do we get?

"I was too far gone to ask them to stop talkign about me"

"the conversation had taken on a dreamlike quality to me, and I wasn't sure I was really awake"

"What a strange dream it was"

"... this whispered dream"

That, ladies and gents, is cheating. Bald, unrepentant, lazy cheating by Ms. Meyer. She wants her cake (the ease of writing and stylistic immediacy of a first person narrative) and wants to eat it (having a conversation outside the narrator's hearing). Now it's not like it never happens, people eavesdrop or find other ways to hear a conversation about themselves, but Meyer can't be bothered to work this out. After all, she's gone through all the trouble of having the whole sordid love triangle in this tent! Why waste such a perfect opportunity? So we get a whole chapter of not-sleeping Bella hearing intimate details about her boyfriends.

So what topics do Jacob and Edward cover while sitting/laying next to Bella? Bella, of course. They both love her. They don't want to lose her. There's some great character insight, and it's impossible. No teen boys are going to sit around and calmly discuss how much they love a girl with a rival. This is some bizarre, narcissistic fantasy world where hot guys talk frankly about intimate feelings within hearing distance of the girl they both love. Edward describes the blindingly obvious logic of turning Bella into a vampire. Jacob pushes him to see that Bella would be better off with a less immortal boyfriend. They agree to disagree. Riiiiiight.

Edward also give Jacob explicit permission to continue trying to woo Bella. The stalker gets permission from the boyfriend. The FIANCEE no less. Sinclair's garters... the hell... I don't even...

Ugh.

They also realize that Bella is planning to try and help, which of course they won't allow because that would make her something other than a damsel in distress.

I just... whatever.
F-
Zero points.
No, this gets negative points. This is horrible. This is irredeemable tripe.

T.03.21 Trails

In Which Stuff Continues To Not Happen

Alice warns Edward and Bella that it'll be snowing in the mountains, so you know, pack for cold weather and such.

Then we get Alice begging Bella to do her wedding. Clearly the pixie wants a big, fluffy wedding and Bella's more of a sweatpants and plastic flowers kind of girl but Alice wears her down and Bella agrees. Alice also notes the giant rock on Bella's wrist but Edward stops her from making a big deal about it so I guess this either means something or we're just supposed to be in awe of Edward's ability to procure large, precious stones.

B&E call Billy so as to get Jacob moving and they go set the fake trail, leading the newborns and Victoria. Super clumsy girl hurts herself and uses the new cut to lay down some blood on the trail. Good thinking, except we get Edward trying to help clean the cut and Bella stopping him because (as we all know) he can't be near her blood or he'll kill her all kinds of ways. Now having read the first book, we know this is nonsense, Edward is just fine around bleeding Bella. He reinforces this, telling Bella he "got over it". She's surprised for reasons I can't possibly explain.

They reach the clearing and Jacob takes over, picking up Bella and riding her back to the campsite. He, too, notices the big rock on her wrist. Bella still doesn't get it.Yeesh.

Now that he has her alone, Jacob launches into an aggressive campaign to get Bella to admit she loves him and to give him another kiss. Of course by "another" I mean to willingly give a first kiss. Bella tells Jacob that Edward is staying behind and dodges his lovey-stalkey conversation. Jacob also says he'll be sticking around until the Newborns arrive. The conversation shifts to Jacob's rank in the tribe and pack, and he reveals that because of his bloodline, he's essentially on deck to become chief whenever he wants it. Great system, guys.

Edward arrives and I have a very real moment of cognitive dissidence. For the last two books I've enjoyed reading about Jacob and Bella and loathed Edward and Bella. Now, I'm relieved to have Edward return so I don't have to endure Jacob's incessant begging for love and attention.

SumUp D-

Tedious, tedious and more tedious. From Alice's whining about the wedding to Jacob's whining about not being loved to Meyer's constant highlight of a giant rock on Bella's wrist, this chapter is just dull. I was so excited ... somewhere back in the teen chapters? Maybe? Has it been that long? Anyway, somewhere back there we had a plot. Yeah, everyone took forever to figure out the Victoria angle, but Irving's socks it was an actual conflict and we had so much book ahead of us!

Sadly, all that book has been involved in the incredibly longwinded planning of the upcoming battle. Honestly, all they've done is practice fighting and set a false trail. That's it. That's maybe 2 chapters worth of story but here we are in chapter TWENTY ONE. What else did we get? Wedding negotiations. Endless begging from the dog. Endless mopey put-upon Edward trying to get tiny little favors from Bella, who supposedly loves him. There hasn't been an ounce of new characterization beyond third-rung characters at the graduation and party.

T.03.20 Compromise

In Which Bella Wants The Sex

And in which we get YET another negotiation between Bella and Edward. This is turning into a merger meeting between corporations.

So Edward gives Bella a gift, a "hand me down" diamond heart for her bracelet. She calls it "crystal" and Edward calls it a "bauble", but Meyer layers on a heaping pile of clues that it's some kind of monster diamond. I'd just like to point out that a diamond this size (Bella estimates it at 5K later on) would weigh significantly more than a cut crystal, but we're supposed to enjoy her ironic ignorance, apparently.

So the new deal is negotiated. In bed, I might add:

• Bella wants the sexy sex while she's still human. She makes this into a very immediate offer.
• Edward says no.
• Bella feels rejected.
• Edward soothes her feelings
• Bella insists that once she's a vampire, she'll be different. Physically, if nothing else.
• Edward breaks off a metal flower from the bedpost to prove his point.
• Bella points out his ability to resist other urges, and again, pushes the issue by starting to undress him.
• Edward stops her, proposes again.

So in the midst of all this making out, Edward trades sex later for marriage slightly less later. It's not especially well written, Bella doesn't really agree in the text, she just stops negotiating and complains about the new, not really spelled out deal. Edward actually says they're engaged, and Bella gripes about THAT.

The final deal, then is marriage, then sex, then vampirism, then... more sex I guess. I don't know if Meyer is trying to get points from the purity council or something, but that's what we end up with. Edward even complains that he's trying to protect his own virtue and that Bella is making it difficult. They discuss a quicky marriage in Vegas and Bella gripes even more.

Edward then produces a ring (his mother's, naturally) and gets down on one knee.

SumUp D+

Let me just say, Bella's complaining and moping and griping about every single solitary thing is driving me insane. I already don't like her as a character, but I'm starting to outright loathe her.

Still, I don't get Bella's point. I mean, I understand that she's worried about being -different- after the conversion, and that makes sense. Well, she'll be a living moving statue with no pulse or body temperature, but so will Edward. Without getting too graphic, is human + vampire intercourse really even something to be desired? He's rock ... er... his body is a literal statue: devoid of warmth or the elasticity of flesh. It would be like ... well, having sex with a real statue. He doesn't sweat, he doesn't breathe, he doesn't have a pulse.

Actually, how is human + vampire intercourse even possible? Biologically, he lacks some of the vital systems required to.... you know what, nevermind. That isn't the point, here. And I don't want to think about it. Or know the details. Oh gods, I don't want to know.

The point is that Edward is right. Bella's problem with being "different afterward" is ammunition for Edward, not her. She'd be, as he puts it "less breakable" and ... OK, I'm done with this. It's going to happen and..


OH Crap.

She gets knocked up, doesn't she? Somebody must've spoiled that for me. This is why she gets preggors, which has GOT to be the point of the next book. Oh... crap... Huxley's thumbnails, that's the whole plot of the next book, isn't it? The Volturi is mad because preggo Bella hasn't been turned into a vampire because she's all knocked up with Ed's vampy baby. Wait... wouldn't a vampire baby be eternally a newborn? Holy... No, not even Meyer is going to try and pull that off. It must be human... well mostly. Ow my head.

Wait... wouldn't Alice know some of this already? Is this what she held back at the end of the last chapter? Does Edward know that she's seen this? Then he HAS to know the outcome... which is... You know what, nevermind. I'm not going to try and put that puzzle together. It's insane.

Look, the chapter is fine from a fluffy, not-paying attention reading standpoint. The attraction between Bella and Edward works sometimes and fails sometimes and it's all described with details that MIGHT work if this wasn't Bella wrestling with a statue in a big, giant bed. Edward's white-knight fascade is ludicrous and boring. Bella is at least a little realistic, minus the endless negotiating. My real problem is that this is YET another tiresome argument about the future that amounts to  having the same discussion over and over. It's old hat. It's boring. It only gets a low passing score because it was easy to read and had a few nice moments where I wasn't clutching my head between my hands and moaning in mental anguish.

T.03.19 Selfish

In Which Bella Is Super Manipulative

After the long night of practice, Edward takes Bella home. She wakes up the next afternoon.

Edward notes her new bracelet and tells Bella she has to accept some gifts. Apparently her tastes run homemade or hand-me-downs, so Edward begins to plot on that front.

The aregue about Jasper & Jakes idea about being bait. Edward is having none of it and reveals that Jacob is second in command to Sam, so Edward can just tell Jacob to order the Werewolves not to help Bella do anything stupid.

Note: The Werewolf mind control is yet another literary cheat. The fact that they're also psychic is annoying, but Meyer takes the time to go over some of the downsides. I think that there'd be quite a few more, but whatever. Mind control = GIANT CHEAT.

Edward also reveals just how much eavesdropping he got in during practice. Lots of infidelity, hostility, broken hearts and so forth. This is psychic voyeurism, and it's rather disturbing. I guess it pales in comparison to all the other nonsense, though.

Bella tops this with some over-the-top manipulation, though. She's determined to keep Edward nearby, so she pulls out the "I can't be away from you because you left me" card. She's very clear in her mind that this is an exaggeration, but she's determined to get what she wants, regardless of consequence. Edward, having no defense against her accusations of abandonment, still tries to placate her. She refuses, and gives him an ultimatum: Either the werewolves and vampires need you in the clearing because it IS dangerous, in which case I should be there OR they don't need you and you can go camping with me.

Just to point out, the third option is that the Cullens and Wolves need Edward to make sure everyone stays safe, and that by being there or taking Edward she's jeopardizing everyone else (a fact that Bella admits internally). Edward can't make that call because she's backed him into a corner, so he contacts Jasper to tell him.

Alice comes by for dinner and plays Charlie like a fiddle. The Cullens are going "backpacking" and she'll be all alone. Charlie offers to let her stay (creepy) but Bella gets herself invited to go with Alice "shopping" plus staying the weekend at Vampire Manor while Charlie fishes with Billy. That way she can escape early Charlie isn't worried where she is for the weekend.

Edward takes Bella back to the clearing to set the false trail, then heads off to practice some more. Jacob keeps Bella company. In the cold she uses him for heat and strokes his fur, which is really weird. I get he's a big dog physically, but she knows he's Jacob inside and she's sprawled over him and rubbing him. Tell you what, Bella, stop being a tease and everyone will be much happier.


SumUp D

Bella is pretty well off the charts for manipulative girlfriend and tease. There's just nothing left to like about her. Add to the fact that all this is just slow, boring buildup to the big fight and I'm getting extremely bored. There are nice details here and there: Bella pulls out hair and cuts herself to drip blood on the trail, but it all could have been done pages and pages ago! It's just yet another chapter of moaning about love triangles and fretting about how much danger is allegedly looming just over the horizon.

T.03.18 Instruction

In Which We Revisit Wahmpire Stadium

Edward takes Bella home and reassures her that killing the newborn vamps won't be hard.

The next day they go to Wahmpire Stadium. All of the Cullens are there and ten Werewolves show up, which is two more than we're used two (turns out to be Leah and Seth). Edward translates via mind-reading while Carlisle explains what they're fighting.

Note: They STILL think this has something to do with the Volturi. Argh.

Since Newborn Vamps are very dimwitted but very strong, they tend to stick to frontal assaults. The trick then is to dodge & counter. The Wolves watch the Vamps work through some tactics.

Jacob and Edward start to discuss where to store Bella during the fight. Jacob suggests carrying her, since his scent will cover hers and the Newborns won't sniff too hard on his stank. Alternately, Jacob and Jasper also figure it might be useful to have Bella front and center as bait since the newborns won't be able to resist a lone human snack. Edward vetoes this and they decide to stick Bella up in the mountains with Seth as her bodyguard.


SumUp: C+

The descriptions are fine. Edward's mind-reading trick makes a little sense, but it's still annoying. Bella is useless and in the way. Nobody has put Victoria into the puzzle STILL. It's taking for-ev-er to get to the big climax, which is where I HOPE we'll finally resolve this incessant love triangle.

We know Bella is going to do the third-wife act.
We know Jacob is going to get hurt.
We know nobody important is going to die.

Well, OK we don't know that, but I'd lay money on it. Maybe one of the werewolves will snuffit to demonstrate how powerful the Vampires are. Maybe a Cullen bites it, but I seriously doubt it. No, I think there'll just be wounds to treat and maybe a new treaty or something. Still, nothing significant will come of this, I assure you.

T.03.17 Alliance

In Which We Get An ALLIANCE

So Party. Bella. Etc.

Ugh. Fine, Alice throws huge party. Bella hates. Everybody from FHS shows up. They love it. Bella hates. Seriously, this is dreary stuff. I'd list who comes and tag them, but just assume everybody who isn't Volturi or evil Vampire is here.

Including the Werewolves. Apparently Jacob took her invitation to heart and brought Quil and Embry.

Dear Abby,

     My friend who I am romantically attracted to but has a steady boyfriend invited me to a party.

After the invitation I physically forced a kiss on her and she punched me.

Also, her boyfriend is an undead creature of the night and I'm a werewolf and we're mortal enemies.

Should I assume the invitation stands?

Sincerely, 

A Freak in Forks

Itsa OK, though, because Jacob brought a present. Aw, that'll make it all better. It's a silver bracelet with a handcarved wolf on it. Silver? Get it? Never mind, I don't think Meyer got it either.

Alice has fainted and Jacob realizes Bella is acting funny... really? After you assaulted her and showed up at a party thrown by Vampires? Weird, right?

Anyway, Bella is acting weird, Jacob asks why, she reveals the PLOT to him and Alice has seen the Newborns attacking Forks. So the Werewolves toss their lot in with the Cullens so they can get some killing done and Alice's vision goes blank, because the werewolves will be helping the Wahmpires kill the Vampires. Or the Werewolves could be plotting to kill all these troublesome vampires at the same time, not like it would change her nullified vision powers. Whatever.

So they plan to meet in the woods to discuss the killing, Bella is ascared and everybody else isn't. Good Times.

SumUp C-

Another party Bella doesn't want to be at, another tedious description of just how much she doesn't want to be at it. Jacob is a lunatic. Edward is a doormat. Bella is annoying. The only reason this creeps up to C status is because SOMETHING IS HAPPENING. Joy. I wonder how Bella will be carried around this time. Since she's going to be the third wife from the werewolf legend, she'll be hanging around Edward and probably Jacob when the vamps arrive. She'll decide it's time to DO SOMETHING and she'll stab herself. At least she'll have a positive effect on the plot instead of being baggage.

Oh, and I'm only tagging people who do something. Showing up is not doing something.

T.03.16 Epoch

In Which Bella Graduates

So Bella is graduating. While trying to figure out clothes to wear, she has an epiphany. Victoria + newborns + stolen clothes + Seattle is all realated. Thank goodness, we're finally all on the same page. She tells Alice, who decides to hide it for some reason.

There's a lot of graduation stuff, but it's essentially pointless. Nobody gets any characterization. Bella moves the plot an inch forward by telling Edward her big puzzle piece and there the plot stalls again. They all go to dinner at the Lodge.

After dinner, Charlie tries to reclaim some fatherhood and humanity with a "if someone kisses you without your permission..." speech. A nice start, but it turns into a lecture on how to throw a punch. That's great dad, it's Bella's fault for getting attacked because she lacks self-defense skills. Well played. Then he moves on to "don't be too hard on the kid" nonsense. Wow, father of the year honors were sooo close.

Back at Vampire Manor, the party is starting.


SumUp F

Why is Alice hiding the Victoria connection from Edward? No idea. Why is Charlie such a horrible father? I think it's genetic. What do we learn from this chapter? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.